now i know what it feels like.
i no longer think badly of people who do it coz i'm bloody well doing it myself
i don't know if it's wrong or right and maybe i don't even care
but it feels damn good.
no emotions. i won't let myself get involved. coz my heart is somewhere else
but if i'm having fun you're having fun then let's just continue having fun
this friendship is moving to dangerous ground... i'll stay on the correct side but...
the present thrill is exhilarating
and i'm a -live for the moment- kinda person
maybe we're just using each other but i don't give a damn
afterall beneath all this there's already a solid base that i believe in
it's so complicated - how do i explain all these - but yet i'm clear headed
so as long as this game continues i'll be in it
and if eventually i end up getting hurt then so be it
at least i'd have lived each day with no regrets
i am confused. really damn confused. to the extent that i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.. i really don't. how do you know when you've crossed the line? the line between very strongly like and love? and where is the line drawn? what about when you really like the company of someone... does that mean you like that person? and if you think you feel this way, does it really mean you feel this way, or are you just trying to make yourself believe you feel this way??
and if you think i'm not making sense... well i'm not making sense to myself either
these thoughts have been running around in my head since goodness knows when
and i'll never know the answer. coz there simply isn't an answer.
shucks i'm starting to doubt myself... doubt what i said with such certainty and conviction only a few days ago. am I so easily touched... or swayed? ... or has it been there all along, only that i've been trying very hard to deny myself of its existence? argh. guess only char knows what i'm trying to say. but i'm trying... to force myself not to feel. maybe coz i feel i owe someone else something. or should i let things take their natural course..??..
but really... everytime i'm out with him i enjoy myself so much.. he knows everything... every single detail about whats been happening in my life lately.. down to the most emotional shit. and i know the most intimate stuff that he hasn't told anyone else... and he's been so sweet... i've almost been moved to tears several times. by just a single gesture or sentence. thanks for having come into my life and always standing by to catch me if i fall and for being such a good friend. honestly i don't know what i feel anymore. and i don't know what you feel either. but whatever it is i don't want anything to spoil the friendship we've built up over the months..... argh I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!
i knew it was coming. i knew it would happen someday... but somehow i just pushed everything aside.. as if by not thinking about it i could will it not to happen
it's happening now.
i think i know myself too well
i think i know very clearly what's happening
i'm just pretending to be confused
noel let me drive his car today! from the petrol station along pasir panjang road back to hall =)
feeling really contented now... it's been a long while since i drove a car that's not my dad's.
actually i don't have anything much to say.. except that i visited the medicine library today.. and my conclusion is that I LOVE MY LAW LIBRARY! =) yeah mavis..thanks for keeping me company when i was bored!
and they showed the road race video in the comm hall at dinnertime. oh my gawd. it was soooo embarrassing. argh.
anyway here's a pic of the RH road race team...
"0" alt="0">
ok this is gonna be a happy lalalalala kinda post =)
and i have lotsa things to say.. about road race mostly.
i broke my personal best time! by 13 seconds! so now my record stands at 10:47 =) for 2.3 k.
and as luke reminded me.. it's really quite a wonderful thing... given that i haven't run for a week and that i've been stuffing myself silly with new year goodies the past few days.
was quite depressed after my run actually. i never wanted to be the 1st runner for RH. but Minh kinda forced it on me. oh wells. and imagine how disappointed i was. when even my best wasn't enough. when even after breaking my personal best i was still last among all the 1st runners. but dearest luke cheered me up again! by reminding me that here i was running with national + IVP runners. and haha i'd like to think that every hall put either their best or 2nd best runners as their 1st runner. so in effect i was running against the best from every hall. and i was only like what? 100++ metres behind them. =) -grin- so it's not that bad after all.
yup so i'm happy again! and all of you have GOT TO see my jersey! it's LOVELY! .. FBT with sky blue down the front and back and white around the shoulders. and now as i write this it's being tossed around in the washing machine. shall wear it for classes one day as soon as it dries!
going running again tomorrow! but on the track this time.. my fave! and no more disgusting slopes for a long long time to come. seriously... i almost sat down and died on my way up the forum slope today... thank god i made it through. miss the track so much.. but track here i come in 24 hrs' time!
you asked me not to think of you so much
how could i? how could you?
and you thought i was fine all along
maybe you really don't know me well enough.
someone gave me this soft toy yesterday. it was really an unexpected and sweet gesture.
i might have accepted it...
but i can't bring myself to put it on my bed... to sleep with it
i couldn't do it.. it just felt so wrong.
maybe one day i'll be ready
but for a very long time to come... the space beside me will be reserved. for someone. for the memory of someone.
argggh it's a wonderful saturday afternoon and i'm sitting here trying to do my memo which is due on monday and who do I have to blame?
MYSELF... damnit.
for not having started on it earlier despite my promises to myself that i'd do so
for wasting my new yr's eve away
for lugging my laptop all the way to grandma's house on new year's day and not even switching it on
for succumbing to temptation and going for 2 movies that same night
for going out again the very next night to play arcade games and then to geylang for supper
so this is the story of my veryyy sad life
and i've no idea how to even begin writing the memo..
road race is tomorrow. i haven't run in a week... damnit. and the thought of having to drag myself and all that i've eaten the past few days all of 2.3 km in under 11 mins is simply torturous.
and the visit to geylang last night was simply... i don't know how to describe it...
i mean i knew very well that these kind of things went on but seeing it with my own eyes really made the reality sink in..
was disturbed the whole night
watching the old men and guys around me look at them with lust was absolutely horrifying
i simply couldn't see what they saw - i only saw the indecency of it all and how pathetic the girls looked.
i don't know what i feel now either. a strange mixture of sadness and disgust and anger and hopelessness
crim lecture is so boring that i might as well post some of the steamboat photosss...
don't u all love me? =)
ok ok.. think that's enough.. the rest are in my imagestation album. which i shall link to.. SOON...
=)
had initially typed this really angst-filled expletive-laden post last night when i was in a terrible mood but after much afterthought and persuasion by william decided to take it down. so now it's gone for good. but wish there was some way of telling you what i wanted to say without hurting you.
am going back to rj on wed with mike and hanzhong! somehow this trip is special to me because of the people i'm going with.. it's really nice to know that these friends in law school once shared the same past with me.. even though we experienced it two years apart. and now we're gonna revisit the same past together.
ok.. that idea didn't come across very well. just couldn't express it properly and can't be bothered to. but you all get the meaning right...?.. am rambling incoherently now... shall get back to criminal tutorial...
you know.. when you've been through it all
suddenly the sad songs around take on a whole new dimension
and have a whole new meaning
regardless of how many million times you've heard them before
damnit eujin... why did you let me listen to that song?
now i can't get it out of my head
but maybe that night both of us just needed to .. wanted to ..
awaken the ghosts of our (respective) pasts
and quite frankly now thinking back about what somebody said to me yesterday, i suddenly realise how ridiculous everything sounded. i mean perhaps i really wanted to believe it but oh god the way i just stood there and lapped it all up.
i can slap myself now for i deserve to be taken in.... the way i naively did not see the truth that was staring me in the face. maybe there's some truth afterall in what eujin always tells me:
"nu3 ren2 sheng1 chu1 lai2 jiu4 shi4 gei3 nan2 ren2 pian4"
can't really translate that without it losing some of its essence but it means something like how women are just meant to be fooled by men. bah.
don't get me wrong -- the way i'm harping on about this might make this issue seem really important but really... it's just a small matter -- not even remotely relationship-related in any way
but
i still want badly to believe it was the truth... and maybe it really was the truth -- for if this someone had seen the need to lie to me on this small matter how could i ever trust anything he throws my way anymore? and for that matter what about the bigger issues in the past? were they all a pack of lies then? AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE TRUST I'D HAD ALL ALONG!!
and after typing all this i'm actually quite amused at the whole situation. don't ask me why because sometimes i can't fathom everything that's going on inside myself either.
haha and a last separate point to make..
you know people keep going on and on about how you learn something new everyday?
well i believe you see something new everyday
and what i saw today was quite a sight...
a GROWN MAN.. no less.. going gaga over a baby photo. yes i mean the baby was cute and all that but it was even cuter the way he just sat there looking at it and giggling and chuckling to himself. hai i'd love to name names but sadly i can't because i'm quite sure i wouldn't want the whole world to know about it if i'd done something like that.
haha..
stepped into KR for the first time in a long while
went to jo's room
it brought back so many memories
of another room
so fundamentally similar
yet so different in character
a room where
i once spent
many long happy hours
a room which
i had grown to love
almost like my own
a room that
grew so familiar
almost like a third home
there are just so many left-handers around in my life nowadays
who are blessed with the gift of god..
to be special unique creative
and to stand out from the rest of society
hmm let me see
there's char and jo whom i feel like i've known forever
dave, mike and william (which makes exactly half of our og lefties!)
and grace as well
diana my dearest teammate
and my neighbours yating and jiebao
wonderful huh? haha think left handers just get drawn to each other
and i love every single one of them!
what a wonderfully deliriously happy thought
=o)
=)
ok today is all happy and sunny and shiny and smiley
=)
no legal writing
no lessons
celebrating dearest luke's bday in the canteen later.. (can't wait for the cake!)
she doesn't know it yet but she's one lucky gal man..
we're celebrating it for her both today and tomorrow!
and lots to look forward to this weekend!
yippee.. smile everyone! =)
i don't really know where to start but anyway..
came back today and realised that there's so much in life that i am thankful for... mainly the people around me.
friends who give such good advice
friends who lend me a shoulder to cry on
friends who don't hesitate to slap some common sense into me
someone who loves me so much she wants to spend 12 days with me in beautiful romantic italy!
someone who will come over in between lectures to give me a hug
someone who calls because she hasn't heard from me in a long time
someone who never fails to bring me tea everytime i do gym duty
a wonderful roommate and wonderful neighbours to come back home to
my "shit brudda" who engages me in silly icq banter across the LT during boring lectures and one of the few guys whom i can go to with all the emotional stuff and whom i can tease about his 'lousy' french
my ex-fellow-k1-slacker who misses me in the uk no doubt and whom i can talk to about stuff like 'what it feels like to step on a human head'
my 'lao gong' for everything and anything since sec 3!
pple whom i can sit with in the arts canteen the whole afternoon talking about stuff that matter
pple who drag me out and force me to do stuff to get my mind off the sad stuff
and the list goes on and on..
haha sounds like i'm listing all these out to make myself feel loved
but really these are the little things in life that make me so happy.
well but i guess things are different
the things that i did together with someone last sem
i'll have to learn to do alone now
i feel the wall slowly coming up in between
i feel the growing distance
i feel helpless
i feel.... i feel
am i too numb to feel anymore?
what happened to the promises?
what happened to the assurances?
what happened to the feelings?
were they gone in the blink of an eye...
or are they stored and hidden away somewhere... never to be allowed to surface again?
how did you let them go so quickly?
or how do you hide them so well?
my calves are aching like nobody's business...
haha
managed to pace the road race guys all the way up the arts slope and then almost all the way to the src field. but couldn't keep up anymore once they started sprinting..
was half asleep on the bed attempting to read my notes when danette played this song:
Will You Love Me Tomorrow
Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?
Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
and suddenly i couldn't concentrate anymore.
just like that night at C's dance competition..
the slow romantic rhumba songs came on during the intervals..
i was trying to hold everything inside
but i still had to leave
had to go to the washroom
to get away from it all...
oh god please just tell me it isn't so
even though i have no right to ask for anything like this anymore
so christine and i were in the piano lounge listening to evan singing and strumming along on his guitar
isn't it one of the most wonderful things in the world -- being serenaded by the guy you love... singing sappy songs to you under the moonlight?
music can do such wonders. it healed my soul almost completely. even though i hadn't played for a long time, my fingers waltzed over the keyboard, producing the music i once knew and loved so well. and i played and played until my heart could give no more.
and an afternoon of kevin kern and david lanz was unbelievably therapeutic.. could almost feel the negative emotions being purged out of me with the gentle ebb and flow of the notes. so clear.. so crisp.. such utter tranquility yet such unbelievable sadness in each piece that i really wished to be able look deep inside each of their souls... to find the emotional depth which led them to write such beautiful music
some songs you like.. some you love.. but some pull at your heartstrings so and take you on such an emotional journey that it is almost unbearable to listen to them too often. has anyone ever felt this way? you close your eyes and let the notes wash over you.. and the music tells you a story. the scenes run through you.. following the thread of the music. and the emotion you feel runs so deep that you know the song is part of you.. and that one day these scenes will feature in your life and you will feel exactly the same way. it has to be so.
with BT's satellite i am on a plane crashing out of the sky at sunset. i know this is how my life will end yet i feel this incredible peace wash over me
with kevin kern i am walking along the seine at dawn on an autumn morning. my heart is heavy with the thought of leaving france - the france i'd grown to know and love so well over the years
yet at times it is morning. i am in an airport. the sun shines through the glass windows but my heart is cold. i feel so alone with the crowds pushing past me. i know i have loved... and lost.
doesn't anyone feel that the saddest part of the day is actually the morning?
i used to crave my solitude and personal space so much but now everything's different. the thought of being alone even for the littlest while scares me. coz i don't want to sink into that state again... but somehow i still do... all the time. i thought i'd pretty much convinced myself i was ok... but i guess not huh.
but i think i'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it... i hope.
i walk around everyday with a smile on my face. i talk and laugh with my friends. i pretend everything's fine and dandy
but only god knows
how many tears i've shed
how confused and lost i'm still feeling
how the constant hurt goes so deep that i don't even know where it starts and where it ends
you don't show anything either
but i know you're hurting inside
you're probably as confused and upset
and i desperately want you to be happy again, to smile inside
but i don't know what to do to make you feel better.
but if you're feeling perfectly fine... then what more can i say?
someone told me that when you think back, it's not the memories of the happy times you've shared that make you the saddest... it's remembering all the times you've hurt him.
it's true.
i remember all the times i've hurt you... all the times i never considered your feelings... all the times i said harsh words...
and my heart breaks a million times over.
i want to talk to you... to find back what we once shared.. way long ago... before anything even started between us
but i guess you don't
so i don't call you either
maybe you need time
so i guess i'll just wait till you're ready...
hopefully time will clear things up and show us the way
all that i ask of you now is...
if you don't love me anymore, or if one day you don't love me anymore
please tell me
i'd rather know the truth
than live in an illusion for the rest of my life.
got this off joanne's blog... it's the bestest best line i've heard in a long long time
if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
hmmmph... danette sounded so surprised on her blog that i've actually been consistently folding my blanket for the past few days. hey i can actually be a very neat person when i want to okay!! and yes i'll fold my blanket every single day this sem! =)
went for canvassing yesterday and got a chance to go right into BNP's offices which were really very beautiful. the windows in the rooms facing the sea have floor to ceiling windows and you can get an absolutely lovely view of the sea. that really rekindled my desire to work in BNP next time.... it being a french bank and all that. actually it's the only bank i'd ever want to work in.. haha to quote ian it's my "beloved BNP!". and he reminded me that i can actually be their in-house legal counsel... yeah.... that'd be really great! =) oooh and one more thing.. the secretary there actually put dots in between the digits when writing phone numbers... just like the french do!!!!! ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh... haha the ridiculous things i gush over... =)
somehow i feel like the person writing today is not really me. not putting my heart into what i wanna say. argh. maybe i shld get back to my crim readings. robbery cum murder cum rape cum stabbings cum strangulation.
and it's silly to stare at your phone the whole day.. as if by doing so you can actually will something to happen.
this is the first time i've felt relatively happy in a long time.... feel like a great load's been taken off my mind and heart as well. =)
to you: am so glad we've finally got things straightened out instead of going round and round the same issues and feeling confused and lost and hurt. you're always so wonderfully caring towards me and concerned and everything... and yes.. i'll take care of myself and sleep early so that you won't worry so much! =) so happy that we are still close friends and can talk to each other so comfortably and i can tell u about everything under the sun. and thanks so much for the hug u gave me just now... it was the nicest one u've ever given me and the best one i've ever received. i loved it!
yep.. you probably know this already but our relationship (loosely defined) is really special to me and yup to quote u.. i'll always care for u no matter what.
-hugz-
ok... the post below was written when my mood was at the very lowest. i'm not this depressed all the time. but yeah sometimes everything comes back and hits you and you can't help but feel down.
i still don't have a nice golden brown tan despite spending a whole afternoon in the sun with the obvious purpose of getting a tan. now i look a rather not-very-nice reddish brown.. well but better than being fair i suppose. and william was actually so mean as to say that i look like i'm "in a constant state of embarrassment". grrr... can't believe he's always saying stuff like that to all of us. but we love his caustic wit all the same =)
met up with the og last night to celebrate peiching's bday. wow.. the first time that ALL of us were out together. yess.. even dave who hadn't joined us a single time coz he was in laos. well as usual we had lots of silly jokes and laughter and lots and lots of fun. so glad i have them... these are the people that make law school bearable... and fun! =)
dave just told me he's taking class 2A bike lessons. hah.. actually feel quite envious. somehow there are just loads of stuff i want to learn and do but somehow never get around to doing. and numerous places i want to visit but somehow think i'll never get to visit coz i can foresee my enthusiasm waning over time. which is not a good thing...
ok i'm done rambling...................................
to you:
if only i could wake up tomorrow
and have everything put right
the world goes on around me
the mundane activities numb my soul
i seek solace in words of comfort and encouragement
which at the end of the day do not fill the void in me
i dread the moments of solitude
when my thoughts wander to where they should not go
and when i lie awake in bed
everything comes back to haunt me
i really wish i could cry my heart out
while you hold me in your arms
but i know i can't ask for this anymore
i'll have to heal my wounds on my own
i'll have faith
i will be strong
so 2004 came with a big bang of fireworks, happy salsa-ing revellers, large bear hugs, clinking of beer bottles and colourful swirls of confetti. as well as all the happy new year messages and phone calls that totally jammed up the phone networks. and somehow you feel as though you ought to feel different after the stroke of midnight - happier, liberated, with more to look forward to... but the novelty comes and goes in a flash such that you wake up to the next morning feeling pretty much the same.
and sometimes you don't realise how much you've actually missed someone until he's back
and in my own little way i actually enjoyed the post-countdown & 'morning-after' stuff more than the actual celebration itself. catching up with him in a dark, somewhat secluded carpark with suspicious passers-by peering keenly for signs of hanky-panky, our sleepover talks, the extremely enlightening discussion on the art of shitting, being poked at and tickled to be prevented from falling asleep, fighting for the couch as well as lots of pillow-whacking and huddling together on the cold floor.
and soon very soon i shall post pictures that the paparazzi (luke) took of the celebrity couple (fang and i) caught red-handed in bed together =)
candice
danette
danielle
diana
fang
hanshuo
james
jieyun
joanne
mavis
melissa
ru
shan
sharon
sylvia
xiuling
xiuying
now i know what it feels like.
i no longer think badly of people who do it coz i'm bloody well doing it myself
i don't know if it's wrong or right and maybe i don't even care
but it feels damn good.
no emotions. i won't let myself get involved. coz my heart is somewhere else
but if i'm having fun you're having fun then let's just continue having fun
this friendship is moving to dangerous ground... i'll stay on the correct side but...
the present thrill is exhilarating
and i'm a -live for the moment- kinda person
maybe we're just using each other but i don't give a damn
afterall beneath all this there's already a solid base that i believe in
it's so complicated - how do i explain all these - but yet i'm clear headed
so as long as this game continues i'll be in it
and if eventually i end up getting hurt then so be it
at least i'd have lived each day with no regrets
i am confused. really damn confused. to the extent that i don't know what i'm feeling anymore.. i really don't. how do you know when you've crossed the line? the line between very strongly like and love? and where is the line drawn? what about when you really like the company of someone... does that mean you like that person? and if you think you feel this way, does it really mean you feel this way, or are you just trying to make yourself believe you feel this way??
and if you think i'm not making sense... well i'm not making sense to myself either
these thoughts have been running around in my head since goodness knows when
and i'll never know the answer. coz there simply isn't an answer.
shucks i'm starting to doubt myself... doubt what i said with such certainty and conviction only a few days ago. am I so easily touched... or swayed? ... or has it been there all along, only that i've been trying very hard to deny myself of its existence? argh. guess only char knows what i'm trying to say. but i'm trying... to force myself not to feel. maybe coz i feel i owe someone else something. or should i let things take their natural course..??..
but really... everytime i'm out with him i enjoy myself so much.. he knows everything... every single detail about whats been happening in my life lately.. down to the most emotional shit. and i know the most intimate stuff that he hasn't told anyone else... and he's been so sweet... i've almost been moved to tears several times. by just a single gesture or sentence. thanks for having come into my life and always standing by to catch me if i fall and for being such a good friend. honestly i don't know what i feel anymore. and i don't know what you feel either. but whatever it is i don't want anything to spoil the friendship we've built up over the months..... argh I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!!!
i knew it was coming. i knew it would happen someday... but somehow i just pushed everything aside.. as if by not thinking about it i could will it not to happen
it's happening now.
i think i know myself too well
i think i know very clearly what's happening
i'm just pretending to be confused
noel let me drive his car today! from the petrol station along pasir panjang road back to hall =)
feeling really contented now... it's been a long while since i drove a car that's not my dad's.
actually i don't have anything much to say.. except that i visited the medicine library today.. and my conclusion is that I LOVE MY LAW LIBRARY! =) yeah mavis..thanks for keeping me company when i was bored!
and they showed the road race video in the comm hall at dinnertime. oh my gawd. it was soooo embarrassing. argh.
anyway here's a pic of the RH road race team...
"0" alt="0">
ok this is gonna be a happy lalalalala kinda post =)
and i have lotsa things to say.. about road race mostly.
i broke my personal best time! by 13 seconds! so now my record stands at 10:47 =) for 2.3 k.
and as luke reminded me.. it's really quite a wonderful thing... given that i haven't run for a week and that i've been stuffing myself silly with new year goodies the past few days.
was quite depressed after my run actually. i never wanted to be the 1st runner for RH. but Minh kinda forced it on me. oh wells. and imagine how disappointed i was. when even my best wasn't enough. when even after breaking my personal best i was still last among all the 1st runners. but dearest luke cheered me up again! by reminding me that here i was running with national + IVP runners. and haha i'd like to think that every hall put either their best or 2nd best runners as their 1st runner. so in effect i was running against the best from every hall. and i was only like what? 100++ metres behind them. =) -grin- so it's not that bad after all.
yup so i'm happy again! and all of you have GOT TO see my jersey! it's LOVELY! .. FBT with sky blue down the front and back and white around the shoulders. and now as i write this it's being tossed around in the washing machine. shall wear it for classes one day as soon as it dries!
going running again tomorrow! but on the track this time.. my fave! and no more disgusting slopes for a long long time to come. seriously... i almost sat down and died on my way up the forum slope today... thank god i made it through. miss the track so much.. but track here i come in 24 hrs' time!
you asked me not to think of you so much
how could i? how could you?
and you thought i was fine all along
maybe you really don't know me well enough.
someone gave me this soft toy yesterday. it was really an unexpected and sweet gesture.
i might have accepted it...
but i can't bring myself to put it on my bed... to sleep with it
i couldn't do it.. it just felt so wrong.
maybe one day i'll be ready
but for a very long time to come... the space beside me will be reserved. for someone. for the memory of someone.
argggh it's a wonderful saturday afternoon and i'm sitting here trying to do my memo which is due on monday and who do I have to blame?
MYSELF... damnit.
for not having started on it earlier despite my promises to myself that i'd do so
for wasting my new yr's eve away
for lugging my laptop all the way to grandma's house on new year's day and not even switching it on
for succumbing to temptation and going for 2 movies that same night
for going out again the very next night to play arcade games and then to geylang for supper
so this is the story of my veryyy sad life
and i've no idea how to even begin writing the memo..
road race is tomorrow. i haven't run in a week... damnit. and the thought of having to drag myself and all that i've eaten the past few days all of 2.3 km in under 11 mins is simply torturous.
and the visit to geylang last night was simply... i don't know how to describe it...
i mean i knew very well that these kind of things went on but seeing it with my own eyes really made the reality sink in..
was disturbed the whole night
watching the old men and guys around me look at them with lust was absolutely horrifying
i simply couldn't see what they saw - i only saw the indecency of it all and how pathetic the girls looked.
i don't know what i feel now either. a strange mixture of sadness and disgust and anger and hopelessness
crim lecture is so boring that i might as well post some of the steamboat photosss...
don't u all love me? =)
ok ok.. think that's enough.. the rest are in my imagestation album. which i shall link to.. SOON...
=)
had initially typed this really angst-filled expletive-laden post last night when i was in a terrible mood but after much afterthought and persuasion by william decided to take it down. so now it's gone for good. but wish there was some way of telling you what i wanted to say without hurting you.
am going back to rj on wed with mike and hanzhong! somehow this trip is special to me because of the people i'm going with.. it's really nice to know that these friends in law school once shared the same past with me.. even though we experienced it two years apart. and now we're gonna revisit the same past together.
ok.. that idea didn't come across very well. just couldn't express it properly and can't be bothered to. but you all get the meaning right...?.. am rambling incoherently now... shall get back to criminal tutorial...
you know.. when you've been through it all
suddenly the sad songs around take on a whole new dimension
and have a whole new meaning
regardless of how many million times you've heard them before
damnit eujin... why did you let me listen to that song?
now i can't get it out of my head
but maybe that night both of us just needed to .. wanted to ..
awaken the ghosts of our (respective) pasts
and quite frankly now thinking back about what somebody said to me yesterday, i suddenly realise how ridiculous everything sounded. i mean perhaps i really wanted to believe it but oh god the way i just stood there and lapped it all up.
i can slap myself now for i deserve to be taken in.... the way i naively did not see the truth that was staring me in the face. maybe there's some truth afterall in what eujin always tells me:
"nu3 ren2 sheng1 chu1 lai2 jiu4 shi4 gei3 nan2 ren2 pian4"
can't really translate that without it losing some of its essence but it means something like how women are just meant to be fooled by men. bah.
don't get me wrong -- the way i'm harping on about this might make this issue seem really important but really... it's just a small matter -- not even remotely relationship-related in any way
but
i still want badly to believe it was the truth... and maybe it really was the truth -- for if this someone had seen the need to lie to me on this small matter how could i ever trust anything he throws my way anymore? and for that matter what about the bigger issues in the past? were they all a pack of lies then? AND I DON'T WANT TO LOSE THE TRUST I'D HAD ALL ALONG!!
and after typing all this i'm actually quite amused at the whole situation. don't ask me why because sometimes i can't fathom everything that's going on inside myself either.
haha and a last separate point to make..
you know people keep going on and on about how you learn something new everyday?
well i believe you see something new everyday
and what i saw today was quite a sight...
a GROWN MAN.. no less.. going gaga over a baby photo. yes i mean the baby was cute and all that but it was even cuter the way he just sat there looking at it and giggling and chuckling to himself. hai i'd love to name names but sadly i can't because i'm quite sure i wouldn't want the whole world to know about it if i'd done something like that.
haha..
stepped into KR for the first time in a long while
went to jo's room
it brought back so many memories
of another room
so fundamentally similar
yet so different in character
a room where
i once spent
many long happy hours
a room which
i had grown to love
almost like my own
a room that
grew so familiar
almost like a third home
there are just so many left-handers around in my life nowadays
who are blessed with the gift of god..
to be special unique creative
and to stand out from the rest of society
hmm let me see
there's char and jo whom i feel like i've known forever
dave, mike and william (which makes exactly half of our og lefties!)
and grace as well
diana my dearest teammate
and my neighbours yating and jiebao
wonderful huh? haha think left handers just get drawn to each other
and i love every single one of them!
what a wonderfully deliriously happy thought
=o)
=)
ok today is all happy and sunny and shiny and smiley
=)
no legal writing
no lessons
celebrating dearest luke's bday in the canteen later.. (can't wait for the cake!)
she doesn't know it yet but she's one lucky gal man..
we're celebrating it for her both today and tomorrow!
and lots to look forward to this weekend!
yippee.. smile everyone! =)
i don't really know where to start but anyway..
came back today and realised that there's so much in life that i am thankful for... mainly the people around me.
friends who give such good advice
friends who lend me a shoulder to cry on
friends who don't hesitate to slap some common sense into me
someone who loves me so much she wants to spend 12 days with me in beautiful romantic italy!
someone who will come over in between lectures to give me a hug
someone who calls because she hasn't heard from me in a long time
someone who never fails to bring me tea everytime i do gym duty
a wonderful roommate and wonderful neighbours to come back home to
my "shit brudda" who engages me in silly icq banter across the LT during boring lectures and one of the few guys whom i can go to with all the emotional stuff and whom i can tease about his 'lousy' french
my ex-fellow-k1-slacker who misses me in the uk no doubt and whom i can talk to about stuff like 'what it feels like to step on a human head'
my 'lao gong' for everything and anything since sec 3!
pple whom i can sit with in the arts canteen the whole afternoon talking about stuff that matter
pple who drag me out and force me to do stuff to get my mind off the sad stuff
and the list goes on and on..
haha sounds like i'm listing all these out to make myself feel loved
but really these are the little things in life that make me so happy.
well but i guess things are different
the things that i did together with someone last sem
i'll have to learn to do alone now
i feel the wall slowly coming up in between
i feel the growing distance
i feel helpless
i feel.... i feel
am i too numb to feel anymore?
what happened to the promises?
what happened to the assurances?
what happened to the feelings?
were they gone in the blink of an eye...
or are they stored and hidden away somewhere... never to be allowed to surface again?
how did you let them go so quickly?
or how do you hide them so well?
my calves are aching like nobody's business...
haha
managed to pace the road race guys all the way up the arts slope and then almost all the way to the src field. but couldn't keep up anymore once they started sprinting..
was half asleep on the bed attempting to read my notes when danette played this song:
Will You Love Me Tomorrow
Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?
Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
and suddenly i couldn't concentrate anymore.
just like that night at C's dance competition..
the slow romantic rhumba songs came on during the intervals..
i was trying to hold everything inside
but i still had to leave
had to go to the washroom
to get away from it all...
oh god please just tell me it isn't so
even though i have no right to ask for anything like this anymore
so christine and i were in the piano lounge listening to evan singing and strumming along on his guitar
isn't it one of the most wonderful things in the world -- being serenaded by the guy you love... singing sappy songs to you under the moonlight?
music can do such wonders. it healed my soul almost completely. even though i hadn't played for a long time, my fingers waltzed over the keyboard, producing the music i once knew and loved so well. and i played and played until my heart could give no more.
and an afternoon of kevin kern and david lanz was unbelievably therapeutic.. could almost feel the negative emotions being purged out of me with the gentle ebb and flow of the notes. so clear.. so crisp.. such utter tranquility yet such unbelievable sadness in each piece that i really wished to be able look deep inside each of their souls... to find the emotional depth which led them to write such beautiful music
some songs you like.. some you love.. but some pull at your heartstrings so and take you on such an emotional journey that it is almost unbearable to listen to them too often. has anyone ever felt this way? you close your eyes and let the notes wash over you.. and the music tells you a story. the scenes run through you.. following the thread of the music. and the emotion you feel runs so deep that you know the song is part of you.. and that one day these scenes will feature in your life and you will feel exactly the same way. it has to be so.
with BT's satellite i am on a plane crashing out of the sky at sunset. i know this is how my life will end yet i feel this incredible peace wash over me
with kevin kern i am walking along the seine at dawn on an autumn morning. my heart is heavy with the thought of leaving france - the france i'd grown to know and love so well over the years
yet at times it is morning. i am in an airport. the sun shines through the glass windows but my heart is cold. i feel so alone with the crowds pushing past me. i know i have loved... and lost.
doesn't anyone feel that the saddest part of the day is actually the morning?
i used to crave my solitude and personal space so much but now everything's different. the thought of being alone even for the littlest while scares me. coz i don't want to sink into that state again... but somehow i still do... all the time. i thought i'd pretty much convinced myself i was ok... but i guess not huh.
but i think i'm doing a pretty good job of hiding it... i hope.
i walk around everyday with a smile on my face. i talk and laugh with my friends. i pretend everything's fine and dandy
but only god knows
how many tears i've shed
how confused and lost i'm still feeling
how the constant hurt goes so deep that i don't even know where it starts and where it ends
you don't show anything either
but i know you're hurting inside
you're probably as confused and upset
and i desperately want you to be happy again, to smile inside
but i don't know what to do to make you feel better.
but if you're feeling perfectly fine... then what more can i say?
someone told me that when you think back, it's not the memories of the happy times you've shared that make you the saddest... it's remembering all the times you've hurt him.
it's true.
i remember all the times i've hurt you... all the times i never considered your feelings... all the times i said harsh words...
and my heart breaks a million times over.
i want to talk to you... to find back what we once shared.. way long ago... before anything even started between us
but i guess you don't
so i don't call you either
maybe you need time
so i guess i'll just wait till you're ready...
hopefully time will clear things up and show us the way
all that i ask of you now is...
if you don't love me anymore, or if one day you don't love me anymore
please tell me
i'd rather know the truth
than live in an illusion for the rest of my life.
got this off joanne's blog... it's the bestest best line i've heard in a long long time
if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
hmmmph... danette sounded so surprised on her blog that i've actually been consistently folding my blanket for the past few days. hey i can actually be a very neat person when i want to okay!! and yes i'll fold my blanket every single day this sem! =)
went for canvassing yesterday and got a chance to go right into BNP's offices which were really very beautiful. the windows in the rooms facing the sea have floor to ceiling windows and you can get an absolutely lovely view of the sea. that really rekindled my desire to work in BNP next time.... it being a french bank and all that. actually it's the only bank i'd ever want to work in.. haha to quote ian it's my "beloved BNP!". and he reminded me that i can actually be their in-house legal counsel... yeah.... that'd be really great! =) oooh and one more thing.. the secretary there actually put dots in between the digits when writing phone numbers... just like the french do!!!!! ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh... haha the ridiculous things i gush over... =)
somehow i feel like the person writing today is not really me. not putting my heart into what i wanna say. argh. maybe i shld get back to my crim readings. robbery cum murder cum rape cum stabbings cum strangulation.
and it's silly to stare at your phone the whole day.. as if by doing so you can actually will something to happen.
this is the first time i've felt relatively happy in a long time.... feel like a great load's been taken off my mind and heart as well. =)
to you: am so glad we've finally got things straightened out instead of going round and round the same issues and feeling confused and lost and hurt. you're always so wonderfully caring towards me and concerned and everything... and yes.. i'll take care of myself and sleep early so that you won't worry so much! =) so happy that we are still close friends and can talk to each other so comfortably and i can tell u about everything under the sun. and thanks so much for the hug u gave me just now... it was the nicest one u've ever given me and the best one i've ever received. i loved it!
yep.. you probably know this already but our relationship (loosely defined) is really special to me and yup to quote u.. i'll always care for u no matter what.
-hugz-
ok... the post below was written when my mood was at the very lowest. i'm not this depressed all the time. but yeah sometimes everything comes back and hits you and you can't help but feel down.
i still don't have a nice golden brown tan despite spending a whole afternoon in the sun with the obvious purpose of getting a tan. now i look a rather not-very-nice reddish brown.. well but better than being fair i suppose. and william was actually so mean as to say that i look like i'm "in a constant state of embarrassment". grrr... can't believe he's always saying stuff like that to all of us. but we love his caustic wit all the same =)
met up with the og last night to celebrate peiching's bday. wow.. the first time that ALL of us were out together. yess.. even dave who hadn't joined us a single time coz he was in laos. well as usual we had lots of silly jokes and laughter and lots and lots of fun. so glad i have them... these are the people that make law school bearable... and fun! =)
dave just told me he's taking class 2A bike lessons. hah.. actually feel quite envious. somehow there are just loads of stuff i want to learn and do but somehow never get around to doing. and numerous places i want to visit but somehow think i'll never get to visit coz i can foresee my enthusiasm waning over time. which is not a good thing...
ok i'm done rambling...................................
to you:
if only i could wake up tomorrow
and have everything put right
the world goes on around me
the mundane activities numb my soul
i seek solace in words of comfort and encouragement
which at the end of the day do not fill the void in me
i dread the moments of solitude
when my thoughts wander to where they should not go
and when i lie awake in bed
everything comes back to haunt me
i really wish i could cry my heart out
while you hold me in your arms
but i know i can't ask for this anymore
i'll have to heal my wounds on my own
i'll have faith
i will be strong
so 2004 came with a big bang of fireworks, happy salsa-ing revellers, large bear hugs, clinking of beer bottles and colourful swirls of confetti. as well as all the happy new year messages and phone calls that totally jammed up the phone networks. and somehow you feel as though you ought to feel different after the stroke of midnight - happier, liberated, with more to look forward to... but the novelty comes and goes in a flash such that you wake up to the next morning feeling pretty much the same.
and sometimes you don't realise how much you've actually missed someone until he's back
and in my own little way i actually enjoyed the post-countdown & 'morning-after' stuff more than the actual celebration itself. catching up with him in a dark, somewhat secluded carpark with suspicious passers-by peering keenly for signs of hanky-panky, our sleepover talks, the extremely enlightening discussion on the art of shitting, being poked at and tickled to be prevented from falling asleep, fighting for the couch as well as lots of pillow-whacking and huddling together on the cold floor.
and soon very soon i shall post pictures that the paparazzi (luke) took of the celebrity couple (fang and i) caught red-handed in bed together =)