am real glad i decided to go for supper with the blk 3 guys despite the fact that i was half asleep and totally exhausted at that time. anyway supper perked me up so much that i'm wide awake now and i don't know how i'm gonna manage to fall asleep after writing this. my sleeping habits are so disgusting..
ok but that wasn't my point...
my point was that i'm glad i went coz i had a really good talk with sf after that. i know he probably will never ever read this blog... but thanks so much dude... for listening and sharing and giving advice. glad i found a friend in you =)
and to think it all started on the way there, when he asked me to walk a little faster with him coz he needed to withdraw money. then we kinda started our real 'talk' kinda talk. and yeah our talk only ended long after we returned back to hall.
anyway... that talk did me good. he made me face up to the truth, what i actually knew deep inside but chose to ignore. and he was being so understanding and all... seriously i really admire him.. for the way he can read people and situations so well. actually i'd already kind of knew he had that in him .. dont ask me why.. and true, he proved it tonight.
yup so i'm going to bed a little happier.. but with more stuff to reflect on and think over..
hey peeps.. go read fang's blog where she wrote an entire ?000 word essay on rg life. i miss my rg days so much.. seriously they were one of the best times of my life and to me rgs is one of the best schools ever.. if i ever have a daughter i really wouldn't want her to go anywhere else. it's everything -- the culture, the people etc that makes it stand apart from other schools. of course i think Carmee Lim was the one that made RG special. she's such a great principal and one of the few people that i really love and look up to and respect. she's always so approachable and lively and funky and has such a great passion for the arts and all this enthusiasm really spilt over to us. i hate to admit it.. but RG has lost some of it's life.. after she left.
and fang! you left out so much stuff!!! remember Gomez's infamous blowhole where he actually squirted a whole mouthful of water (+ saliva) onto the pple in the 1st row just to illustrate the blowhole concept to us? and your smelly toe socks on the australian trip?
and the first time in my life i skipped lessons... WITH YOU. when we hid in the library and was actually spying on the classroom coz we could only go back after lao shi left?
all the boring physics pracs where our class just stoned the whole way thru? and teo poh poh... still the suckiest teacher i've ever had in my life...
hai the more i write the more memories come back to me... can't even begin listing them all... such a defining 4 years of my life and i'll always remember them. i'll always be glad i went to a gal's school.. and i'll always be glad i chose rg.....
today i went back there again. it's been more than a year yet it hadn't changed. the atmosphere was exactly the way i remembered it. but i felt even more, my emotions ran even more deeply.
the other time, we sat against one of the pillars and looked up. i still remember the apartment that caught my attention. the shades drawn, the dimly-lit space behind it. and i could feel him.. i knew it was a him.
tonight almost all the lights were switched on... behind the drawn shades. it's the most romantic, yet most lonely place i know in singapore. i could sense that.. in each apartment.. each soul had a story to tell. those are not apartments where you can imagine happy families gathered in the living room with kids running around.
you see singles, all lonely in this world, yet all so contented, so at peace with the world. maybe they sometimes yearn for fleeting moments of passion long gone, but they are comfortable being alone, being emotionally self-sufficient.
i see them - holding their high profile jobs in the day, maybe dinner with friends in the evening, pub-crawling after that.. but they look forward to returning home, soaking in the tub in candlelight, then pouring a glass of wine, putting on the smooth jazz, and leaning back on the couch.
this is the life i'd yearn for in the future... this is the kind of person i'd want to mature into. to just return home, be free from the rest of the world and enjoy my own company...
things are different now.. all of a sudden
it's so subtle that i can't exactly pinpoint what's different.. or how it's different
but i can sense it and i trust my intuition
whatever it is... i can't do anything about it..
i can't believe it happened so suddenly
i can't believe he went just like that
admittedly i don't feel the grief of the others - i don't remember much of him - he only took me for a few lectures
i remember always sitting right at the last row in LT 2 listening to him talk
i remember how he caught my attention because he's left-handed
i remember how his left hand always covered what he'd already written on the ohp when he was writing more
and i remember how patient he was, how he never raised his voice at us a single time despite the noise our SO6 lecture grp always made
i don't remember more because i never knew him personally
but a life lost is always a life mourned
rjc has lost a great maths teacher and i'm sure his parents have lost a great son and his friends, a great friend
may there always be flowers on his grave and a smile on people's faces when they think about him
may the good memories of him live on long after he goes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i'm filled with guilt..
i'm so sorry danette.. i shouldn't have gone home yesterday.. when you needed people to be around you
i'm sorry. i didn't know the extent of how you felt..
i love my green RH shirt with the number '9' behind it. I have to admit it's not exactly the most aesthetically-pleasing shirt around but it's large and comfortable and when i walk around law fac in this and shorts and slippers i feel right at home =)
luke wore the KR shirt for lecture today *great minds think alike* and we sat together in all our sloppiness watching those who had lawr today walk past in their white-shirt-black-pants outfits and inside i was going 'hahaha i bet they're feeling a thousand times more uncomfortable than i am'. how mean.
him who pissed me off so yesterday actually went all the way to buy me lunch and delivered it to my room to pacify me. i was kinda touched but somehow i just couldn't see it as a sweet gesture on his part... merely just like a 'oh see now i did something for you so you should not be pissed off at me anymore' kinda thing. yup and today talked to someone else and now i'm wondering if after you've hurt someone you should actually buy him/her something as an apology. i mean i know that there's no right or wrong and maybe it's just me but i actually see this 'buying of stuff to appease them' as simply a way of using your money to buy back the other party's emotions. honestly i'd appreciate just a simple apology from the heart much much more but then again as i said it might just be me.
argh i realise i always write in long rambly paragraphs and no matter how i try to cut it short i just can't. 1 1/2 sems of legal writing has had no effect on me so i suggest we should just SCRAP IT!! hahaha.. but at least i don't write in disgustingly long and convoluted sentences like all the yucky Lords do...
ok going home for the 1st time in what?! 3 weeks... and i'm all excited at the thought of driving down the AYE and CTE back home. yeah finally i get to drive again =)
i'm so angry that i'm really tempted to use the f word this time but i'm trying very hard not to. i can't believe it has come to the stage where i feel that i have to use it to get my point across to HIM. why is it that some friends just bring a smile to your face everytime you hear from them but some just piss you off no end?
fuck la. you've never ever considered my feelings have you? you still think this is one big joke do you? and that i was faking my anger over the phone? and when will you finally start believing i'm angry when i say i am? when one day i finally go over and give you a tight slap across the face? you might think that since we're always fooling around and can joke to the extreme that i seldom get angry. yes you're right. but when your insensitive actions start getting me a little irritated and i tell you so; yet you brush it off as a joke, it really gets to me. it really fucking gets to me. you don't even bother to apologize and stop whatever you're doing, instead you take your actions even further. just because i seldom get angry it doesn't mean i don't have a temper. and i think i'm entitled to lose it at you when you're being unreasonable like that. and i think i was in the first place entitled to get angry when you break your promise without so much as a prior mention or reason.
now when you come back from your fucking run and find me in a good mood again just don't think i was never in a bad one. it's just that i can never stay angry at anyone for long. but short-lived anger does not make the anger any less real. or intense. please get that into your thick head. maybe i've never ever pissed you off before but you DO know what it's like when someone pisses you off. you just told me last night about someone who can just piss you off with all his little actions. i'm trying very hard to control my temper. coz i don't want you to become to me what he is to you. i don't want it to get to the stage where i'm irritated at you half the time. bah. i really think we've been spending too much time together and somehow we're rubbing each other off the wrong way. but how do we manage to not interact with each other everyday when you stay what.. just 100metres and 3 blocks away from me?!?!?!!!
fuck. i just typed away all my anger. can't even save any to show you after you get back and want to go eat.
anyway everyone else.. i'm not angry anymore. after awhile the anger just simmers itself out into disappointment. i don't even know why i wrote all of the above.. since although he knows of my blog he doesn't read it. i even expressly asked him -not- to read it. freak. but if somehow he reads it.. i'm not out to be mean to you or anything like that. i guess it's my way of venting and maybe since i've exhausted all ways and means, this will let you know that when i say i'm pissed off, i really am.
fang wrote on her blog that she thinks i'm seductive.. and she really means it. haha i was like ?!?!!! (but secretly complimented) when i first read it but yeah now i know where she's coming from and i'm happy she feels this way =)
it's not seductive in the "i sit down, cross my legs, flick my hair and somehow make the guys around me swoon" way but in the "i have such a dark side to me and love all the dark and mysterious stuff that fang is somehow drawn to me" way...
am i right fang???
i love my dark side... the side that enables me to conjure up evocative sensual images and lose myself in them when reading tom holland as well as black metal lyrics... the side that somehow draws my soul when i see a dark room with just a flickering blue or red light in it... the side where i can stare at the images on my tarot cards and feel like i've entered another world...
close your eyes and imagine this: a very dimly lit room.. yellow lights.. with the fire burning low in the fireplace. the room is in victorian decor - heavy upholstery and all that - elegant but with just a very slight oppressive feel to it. a lady is slumped across the bed. her pale flesh contrasts starkly with the rose pink gown she's wearing. two small red puncture wounds - fresh - on her neck. from her fingers dangles an empty wine glass - its contents - BLOOD-RED wine.. is spilt on the carpet. the single red rose lying beside her is just beginning to wither, to show signs of decay.
to me this is the most sensual (and to a certain extent.. erotic.. don't ask me why) image in the world.. it's constantly on my mind and i can almost feel myself in it....
but yeah back to the point..fang always confesses the weirdest things. not too long ago she just said that she feels that nus is very romantic when she's here with me. she told shan this and shan agreed... that "it's just the feeling weiting gives off"... ?!?!?!!!!! seriously.. i am VERY much complimented but WHAT on earth makes them feel this way?
i am blogging not because i have lots of stuff to tell the whole world, but because i desperately want to waste time so i won't have to do the inevitable - start on my essay.
i have so many many many points but yet i don't have A POINT.. if you know what i mean.
all their opinions, suggestions, thoughts are nicely written down in note form in front of me
but i don't see how i'm gonna reconcile them and gel them together so that they'll fit nicely into a perfect 1250 word essay
grrr...
1250 words is a nightmare.. a different kind of nightmare... somewhat like all my past french exams where i had to spend more time cutting down the number of words in my essay rather than writing the essay itself.. and where i had to leave out all my beautifully-constructed sentences just because they had too many words in them.
E is so gonna kill me when he hears that i haven't written a single word yet for i'm supposed to help him with his critical thinking stuff tomorrow. But mostly for my sake i want to finish it by tonight as well! i can i can do it... the night is still young afterall and i haven't slept before 430 am for as long as i can possibly remember.. ok ok i shall start... NOW...
start of my take home paper. almost went into -panic mode- when i first saw the questions haha but i'm back to my old calm unruffled can't-really-be-bothered self again. gonna do qn 2 - that on feminist legal theory & legal realism because i really can't stand all that shit about natural law and positivism.
when will i ever have a free weekend again? memorial 1st draft last wk, legal theory take home paper this wk, crim take home paper coming wk, then memorial 2nd draft the following, moots will come up right after that then reading week and exams. bleargh. but i'm already in the midst of this nightmare so i know it'll be over before i know it. it's like being on a rollercoaster that is climbing painfully up to the top but once you reach it then whoooosh you just zoom off and you're at the bottom before you even know it. the only difference is that i'd much rather be on the rollercoaster going round and round manymanymany times than doing all those law stuff. grrr...
ok back to my books and MacKinnon talking about sex equality law..
my world just shattered around me. bishan coffee bean is closed because silly capitaland is doing some renovation work to j8. and i don't even know if it's still gonna be around after they're done. boohoo..
i haven't gone to bed before 4a.m. in ages don't ask me why.. i just can't fall asleep. sometimes at 5 or 6 i tell myself -i have to sleep i have to sleep- and i sit on my bed but sleep doesn't come. so i read newspapers till i get tired or lie there and let my mind wander around till it enters lalaland~ becoming more of a night creature and i love it man..when i'm awake in the day i feel so -dead-. i don't dare tell dave my sleeping hours because i think he'll be disappointed.. afterall i promised to sleep early but now i'm not even trying. so when he brought the topic up i lied. first time i lied blatantly to him but i couldn't help it i didn't want to either but i didn't want to see him disappointed even more.
if i can't even be bothered to try to keeping my promise to him why does it bother me so much that he'll be disappointed?
and to the extent that i had to lie to conceal that fact?
been so irritable these past few days and i feel really sorry for having lost my temper and snapping at E so much. really i am but why is it that he can sometimes do stuff that makes me stew away and feel like screaming 'you insensitive bloke!'
then i lose my temper and feel sorry almost immediately..just because i expect a certain standard of myself doesn't mean i should expect everyone to live up to that standard too.. and he somehow as a way of making me laugh through my tears and anger which is good but annoying too since i usually plan to stay angry at him for a longer period of time but have never managed to do so for more than 5 minutes.. in a temper i always tell myself 'i will stay angry. i will ignore him' but one poke from him and i dissolve into giggles and suddenly all my anger is gone.. i wonder what's wrong with myself..
just came back from a 6k run.. yeah at THIS time. it has got to be one of the craziest things i've done in my entire life. haha with him of course. honestly.. don't think he's a very good influence on me... but every moment i spend with him is exhilarating. we eat a ridiculous amount, spend ridiculous amounts on food, go on ridiculous vcd and cup noodle marathons, go to fong seng at ridiculous times (like 3 am), run at ridiculous times, run ridiculous distances within ridiculous times...
argh.. yeah with him i've watched stuff i'd never otherwise have watched, played silly beng/lian arcade games i'd never otherwise have played... etc.. hmm yeah
and i feel so comfortable with him it's almost too comfortable to be true.. i can just be childish and sulk and pout and say all kinds of silly nonsense and he'll join in too. and we talk about stuff that i can never imagine talking to another guy about.. yeah he's the one who opened my eyes to geylang at night....those tickling fights we indulge in too.. and everything is so platonic..
if there's one thing that made me believe in platonic guy-girl friendships (which alot of ppl don't believe in).. it's this.
oh and amongst all that fun i actually manage to put in a decent amount of time each day in front of my books..
how wonderful..
if only this could last..
oh yeah.. and dave kinda surprised me tonight. was doing my work when he suddenly called.. and he was just at the carpark outside my room. turned out he was kinda troubled about some stuff and wanted someone to talk to.. so he told me about it.. don't think i was of much help though.. sigh.. it was one of those situations where even he couldn't pinpoint exactly what was troubling him. but hmm i don't know why.. just felt like there was more to it.. stuff that he was holding back from me.. but nvm..
went to fong seng in the end for prata. and wow... the difference between driving and walking there.. argh eujin had better pass his driving quickly so he can get his car and drive us there at night!!!!!!!!!!!
and i realise i sound like a silly rambling fool in this post...
was really really happy last night over a small matter but hmm guess it's a good sign when i start going into raptures over silly little things like that... =)
basically my 2nd earhole hasn't closed up yet! despite me not having put anything through it for the past 3 months. haha it's really quite a feat considering i only pierced it just before the As.. yup so had this ear stud in hand dreading having to put it in.. was expecting to have to sorta twist and turn and somehow jam it in and feel some pain but ohmygod it went in sooo smoothly i was shocked.
i am good i am good i am good! =)
argh anyway think i'm starting to become too dependent on a certain someone.. but i guess it's inevitable given that we do so much stuff together. i can't i can't become so dependent on someone.. what will happen when one day he cannot or will not do all this with me anymore? i'll have to relearn how to do everything alone again....
and running.. haven't ran alone for such a long time already.. yesterday was the 1st time.. and what.. i couldn't find the motivation to go faster, to push myself more. too dependent on him again... too used to having him running by my side.. motivating me and asking me to open up my strides. damn damn damn.. what's happening to me? have to run alone more..
fang says i haven't been blogging
i said i've got nothing to write about
she said "write about me then!"
so i shall write about fang....
hmm i've known her for about 5 yrs 2 months ++.. ever since sec 3/8 in rgs. wasn't very close to her initially but yar our love and affection for each other blossomed through the tough days in OBS (we were in the same canoe!) and the fun times in australia with her smelly toe socks (i know she's gonna kill me for this haha). so yar. now today she is my lover, seducer and qing2 fu4. we've spent countless nights together starting from that night out in the corridor in the hotel in australia (remember fang???) and shared a bed numerous times too. hmmm in fact the only time i can remember where we spent the night together but did not sleep together was new yr's night at jo's place. where she stupidly gave the nice soft couch to me and slept on the cold hard floor... actually jo's bed was empty but she wanted to be by my side... thus the floor.
hmm what else.. well can't really remember much except all the sweet nothings she constantly tells me.. and her looks and gestures of affection and love that she's showered me with over the years... she is MY fang. (and yar she's a great seducer..) heh...
and yeah if you don't hear from me after tonight you'll know that all of the above is true.
i'm awake and missing both of them
i thought i was over -him- but i guess you'll never ever really get over someone whom you still love.
finally understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
all the fooling around, ignoring him, the pretence that he didn't matter anymore... they were just my ways of hiding my feelings and the hurt
and the 3 roses throws everything into confusion again...
i thought i didn't like him but i guess i have to think again...
and i can't continue being so possessive
i've enjoyed his (almost) undivided attention for so long
but it can't go on forever
and i think it's time i learn to give it up
it wouldn't be fair to continue wanting it
especially if i can't offer him the same
he said he always treats me like a guy
*yippee*!! that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time
i feel so... i don't know how to say it... -accepted-
as if i've attained a certain status in his eyes
haha
but it's weird too
i do see where he's coming from when he said the above
but then again....
i love being treated like a little kid by him
and pampered
love being pacified and having my hair ruffled whenever i pout
love the tickling sessions
love having food delivered right to my room... my bedside
love being fed ice cream
love being taken out for good food all the time
and so much more...
feel like a guy sometimes...
but just like a little girl most of the time..
and i can still feel the arm around my waist
the gentle tickling at my side
a feeling that's grown to be so comfortable
a mere careless gesture on his part, no doubt
he'll never imagine the effect it was having on me
was really surprised that she messaged. she said - it's been 3 years. 3 years ago.. the 3 of us were the closest of friends... and then i did something that left us where we are today. it was a conscious choice i made but even to this day i still do not know why i took the path i did - why i left them. i did them an even greater wrong - i chose not to keep in contact.. and in a way, i've never looked back. i felt the hurt from one of them.. but i chose to ignore it. i had my own separate life and wanted to lead it alone. and to this day i spend my life hiding, avoiding.. i don't know if i can ever face them again.. i don't want to and i don't have the courage to............
and i'm so emotionally messed up inside
i guess i really don't know what i want anymore.. or WHO i want.. for that matter. i can't believe how rapidly my feelings have diminished over the past few weeks.. but he still remains the -one- i truly care for.. the -one- i'd do anything for.. the -one- who'll always be able to make me cry..
and there's him.. who's like a ray of sunshine in my life. he's been my constant companion the past few weeks.. he's brought a smile to my face when no one else could.. been there through the longest nights and loneliest days and been ever so nice and sweet. i don't know if i'm using him... i really hope i'm not.. i used to think it was just a game we were playing but now i'm not so sure anymore. i'm starting to become emotionally dependent even though there might not be feelings involved. no matter how much i tell myself not to fall in deeper my emotions act against my will...
YOU...
stop playing games with me
i'm sick and tired of all this already
i'm having the time of my life right now
and the last thing i need is for you to mess it all up again
and to You...
i said so many months ago that it's much better being single
before IT happened
but now i'm beginning to believe in what i said all over again
maybe You made me believe in it again...
thanks for everything these past few weeks
they simply flew by in a whirl of fun and pure bliss
maybe this is just a game both of us are playing
and i don't know how long it'll last
but like i said... i'll be in it till the very end.
and all it takes is a simple message
to throw my emotions into disarray again
i haven't replied
coz i don't know what to say
even though i have so much to tell you
and now i can only play it on repeat mode
the song you love so much
the song you used to sing to me
see the pyramids along the nile
watch the sun rise from the tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me
see the market place in old algiers
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears
you belong to me
and i'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again
you belong to me
and i realise the my love is still there
candice
danette
danielle
diana
fang
hanshuo
james
jieyun
joanne
mavis
melissa
ru
shan
sharon
sylvia
xiuling
xiuying
am real glad i decided to go for supper with the blk 3 guys despite the fact that i was half asleep and totally exhausted at that time. anyway supper perked me up so much that i'm wide awake now and i don't know how i'm gonna manage to fall asleep after writing this. my sleeping habits are so disgusting..
ok but that wasn't my point...
my point was that i'm glad i went coz i had a really good talk with sf after that. i know he probably will never ever read this blog... but thanks so much dude... for listening and sharing and giving advice. glad i found a friend in you =)
and to think it all started on the way there, when he asked me to walk a little faster with him coz he needed to withdraw money. then we kinda started our real 'talk' kinda talk. and yeah our talk only ended long after we returned back to hall.
anyway... that talk did me good. he made me face up to the truth, what i actually knew deep inside but chose to ignore. and he was being so understanding and all... seriously i really admire him.. for the way he can read people and situations so well. actually i'd already kind of knew he had that in him .. dont ask me why.. and true, he proved it tonight.
yup so i'm going to bed a little happier.. but with more stuff to reflect on and think over..
hey peeps.. go read fang's blog where she wrote an entire ?000 word essay on rg life. i miss my rg days so much.. seriously they were one of the best times of my life and to me rgs is one of the best schools ever.. if i ever have a daughter i really wouldn't want her to go anywhere else. it's everything -- the culture, the people etc that makes it stand apart from other schools. of course i think Carmee Lim was the one that made RG special. she's such a great principal and one of the few people that i really love and look up to and respect. she's always so approachable and lively and funky and has such a great passion for the arts and all this enthusiasm really spilt over to us. i hate to admit it.. but RG has lost some of it's life.. after she left.
and fang! you left out so much stuff!!! remember Gomez's infamous blowhole where he actually squirted a whole mouthful of water (+ saliva) onto the pple in the 1st row just to illustrate the blowhole concept to us? and your smelly toe socks on the australian trip?
and the first time in my life i skipped lessons... WITH YOU. when we hid in the library and was actually spying on the classroom coz we could only go back after lao shi left?
all the boring physics pracs where our class just stoned the whole way thru? and teo poh poh... still the suckiest teacher i've ever had in my life...
hai the more i write the more memories come back to me... can't even begin listing them all... such a defining 4 years of my life and i'll always remember them. i'll always be glad i went to a gal's school.. and i'll always be glad i chose rg.....
today i went back there again. it's been more than a year yet it hadn't changed. the atmosphere was exactly the way i remembered it. but i felt even more, my emotions ran even more deeply.
the other time, we sat against one of the pillars and looked up. i still remember the apartment that caught my attention. the shades drawn, the dimly-lit space behind it. and i could feel him.. i knew it was a him.
tonight almost all the lights were switched on... behind the drawn shades. it's the most romantic, yet most lonely place i know in singapore. i could sense that.. in each apartment.. each soul had a story to tell. those are not apartments where you can imagine happy families gathered in the living room with kids running around.
you see singles, all lonely in this world, yet all so contented, so at peace with the world. maybe they sometimes yearn for fleeting moments of passion long gone, but they are comfortable being alone, being emotionally self-sufficient.
i see them - holding their high profile jobs in the day, maybe dinner with friends in the evening, pub-crawling after that.. but they look forward to returning home, soaking in the tub in candlelight, then pouring a glass of wine, putting on the smooth jazz, and leaning back on the couch.
this is the life i'd yearn for in the future... this is the kind of person i'd want to mature into. to just return home, be free from the rest of the world and enjoy my own company...
things are different now.. all of a sudden
it's so subtle that i can't exactly pinpoint what's different.. or how it's different
but i can sense it and i trust my intuition
whatever it is... i can't do anything about it..
i can't believe it happened so suddenly
i can't believe he went just like that
admittedly i don't feel the grief of the others - i don't remember much of him - he only took me for a few lectures
i remember always sitting right at the last row in LT 2 listening to him talk
i remember how he caught my attention because he's left-handed
i remember how his left hand always covered what he'd already written on the ohp when he was writing more
and i remember how patient he was, how he never raised his voice at us a single time despite the noise our SO6 lecture grp always made
i don't remember more because i never knew him personally
but a life lost is always a life mourned
rjc has lost a great maths teacher and i'm sure his parents have lost a great son and his friends, a great friend
may there always be flowers on his grave and a smile on people's faces when they think about him
may the good memories of him live on long after he goes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
and i'm filled with guilt..
i'm so sorry danette.. i shouldn't have gone home yesterday.. when you needed people to be around you
i'm sorry. i didn't know the extent of how you felt..
i love my green RH shirt with the number '9' behind it. I have to admit it's not exactly the most aesthetically-pleasing shirt around but it's large and comfortable and when i walk around law fac in this and shorts and slippers i feel right at home =)
luke wore the KR shirt for lecture today *great minds think alike* and we sat together in all our sloppiness watching those who had lawr today walk past in their white-shirt-black-pants outfits and inside i was going 'hahaha i bet they're feeling a thousand times more uncomfortable than i am'. how mean.
him who pissed me off so yesterday actually went all the way to buy me lunch and delivered it to my room to pacify me. i was kinda touched but somehow i just couldn't see it as a sweet gesture on his part... merely just like a 'oh see now i did something for you so you should not be pissed off at me anymore' kinda thing. yup and today talked to someone else and now i'm wondering if after you've hurt someone you should actually buy him/her something as an apology. i mean i know that there's no right or wrong and maybe it's just me but i actually see this 'buying of stuff to appease them' as simply a way of using your money to buy back the other party's emotions. honestly i'd appreciate just a simple apology from the heart much much more but then again as i said it might just be me.
argh i realise i always write in long rambly paragraphs and no matter how i try to cut it short i just can't. 1 1/2 sems of legal writing has had no effect on me so i suggest we should just SCRAP IT!! hahaha.. but at least i don't write in disgustingly long and convoluted sentences like all the yucky Lords do...
ok going home for the 1st time in what?! 3 weeks... and i'm all excited at the thought of driving down the AYE and CTE back home. yeah finally i get to drive again =)
i'm so angry that i'm really tempted to use the f word this time but i'm trying very hard not to. i can't believe it has come to the stage where i feel that i have to use it to get my point across to HIM. why is it that some friends just bring a smile to your face everytime you hear from them but some just piss you off no end?
fuck la. you've never ever considered my feelings have you? you still think this is one big joke do you? and that i was faking my anger over the phone? and when will you finally start believing i'm angry when i say i am? when one day i finally go over and give you a tight slap across the face? you might think that since we're always fooling around and can joke to the extreme that i seldom get angry. yes you're right. but when your insensitive actions start getting me a little irritated and i tell you so; yet you brush it off as a joke, it really gets to me. it really fucking gets to me. you don't even bother to apologize and stop whatever you're doing, instead you take your actions even further. just because i seldom get angry it doesn't mean i don't have a temper. and i think i'm entitled to lose it at you when you're being unreasonable like that. and i think i was in the first place entitled to get angry when you break your promise without so much as a prior mention or reason.
now when you come back from your fucking run and find me in a good mood again just don't think i was never in a bad one. it's just that i can never stay angry at anyone for long. but short-lived anger does not make the anger any less real. or intense. please get that into your thick head. maybe i've never ever pissed you off before but you DO know what it's like when someone pisses you off. you just told me last night about someone who can just piss you off with all his little actions. i'm trying very hard to control my temper. coz i don't want you to become to me what he is to you. i don't want it to get to the stage where i'm irritated at you half the time. bah. i really think we've been spending too much time together and somehow we're rubbing each other off the wrong way. but how do we manage to not interact with each other everyday when you stay what.. just 100metres and 3 blocks away from me?!?!?!!!
fuck. i just typed away all my anger. can't even save any to show you after you get back and want to go eat.
anyway everyone else.. i'm not angry anymore. after awhile the anger just simmers itself out into disappointment. i don't even know why i wrote all of the above.. since although he knows of my blog he doesn't read it. i even expressly asked him -not- to read it. freak. but if somehow he reads it.. i'm not out to be mean to you or anything like that. i guess it's my way of venting and maybe since i've exhausted all ways and means, this will let you know that when i say i'm pissed off, i really am.
fang wrote on her blog that she thinks i'm seductive.. and she really means it. haha i was like ?!?!!! (but secretly complimented) when i first read it but yeah now i know where she's coming from and i'm happy she feels this way =)
it's not seductive in the "i sit down, cross my legs, flick my hair and somehow make the guys around me swoon" way but in the "i have such a dark side to me and love all the dark and mysterious stuff that fang is somehow drawn to me" way...
am i right fang???
i love my dark side... the side that enables me to conjure up evocative sensual images and lose myself in them when reading tom holland as well as black metal lyrics... the side that somehow draws my soul when i see a dark room with just a flickering blue or red light in it... the side where i can stare at the images on my tarot cards and feel like i've entered another world...
close your eyes and imagine this: a very dimly lit room.. yellow lights.. with the fire burning low in the fireplace. the room is in victorian decor - heavy upholstery and all that - elegant but with just a very slight oppressive feel to it. a lady is slumped across the bed. her pale flesh contrasts starkly with the rose pink gown she's wearing. two small red puncture wounds - fresh - on her neck. from her fingers dangles an empty wine glass - its contents - BLOOD-RED wine.. is spilt on the carpet. the single red rose lying beside her is just beginning to wither, to show signs of decay.
to me this is the most sensual (and to a certain extent.. erotic.. don't ask me why) image in the world.. it's constantly on my mind and i can almost feel myself in it....
but yeah back to the point..fang always confesses the weirdest things. not too long ago she just said that she feels that nus is very romantic when she's here with me. she told shan this and shan agreed... that "it's just the feeling weiting gives off"... ?!?!?!!!!! seriously.. i am VERY much complimented but WHAT on earth makes them feel this way?
i am blogging not because i have lots of stuff to tell the whole world, but because i desperately want to waste time so i won't have to do the inevitable - start on my essay.
i have so many many many points but yet i don't have A POINT.. if you know what i mean.
all their opinions, suggestions, thoughts are nicely written down in note form in front of me
but i don't see how i'm gonna reconcile them and gel them together so that they'll fit nicely into a perfect 1250 word essay
grrr...
1250 words is a nightmare.. a different kind of nightmare... somewhat like all my past french exams where i had to spend more time cutting down the number of words in my essay rather than writing the essay itself.. and where i had to leave out all my beautifully-constructed sentences just because they had too many words in them.
E is so gonna kill me when he hears that i haven't written a single word yet for i'm supposed to help him with his critical thinking stuff tomorrow. But mostly for my sake i want to finish it by tonight as well! i can i can do it... the night is still young afterall and i haven't slept before 430 am for as long as i can possibly remember.. ok ok i shall start... NOW...
start of my take home paper. almost went into -panic mode- when i first saw the questions haha but i'm back to my old calm unruffled can't-really-be-bothered self again. gonna do qn 2 - that on feminist legal theory & legal realism because i really can't stand all that shit about natural law and positivism.
when will i ever have a free weekend again? memorial 1st draft last wk, legal theory take home paper this wk, crim take home paper coming wk, then memorial 2nd draft the following, moots will come up right after that then reading week and exams. bleargh. but i'm already in the midst of this nightmare so i know it'll be over before i know it. it's like being on a rollercoaster that is climbing painfully up to the top but once you reach it then whoooosh you just zoom off and you're at the bottom before you even know it. the only difference is that i'd much rather be on the rollercoaster going round and round manymanymany times than doing all those law stuff. grrr...
ok back to my books and MacKinnon talking about sex equality law..
my world just shattered around me. bishan coffee bean is closed because silly capitaland is doing some renovation work to j8. and i don't even know if it's still gonna be around after they're done. boohoo..
i haven't gone to bed before 4a.m. in ages don't ask me why.. i just can't fall asleep. sometimes at 5 or 6 i tell myself -i have to sleep i have to sleep- and i sit on my bed but sleep doesn't come. so i read newspapers till i get tired or lie there and let my mind wander around till it enters lalaland~ becoming more of a night creature and i love it man..when i'm awake in the day i feel so -dead-. i don't dare tell dave my sleeping hours because i think he'll be disappointed.. afterall i promised to sleep early but now i'm not even trying. so when he brought the topic up i lied. first time i lied blatantly to him but i couldn't help it i didn't want to either but i didn't want to see him disappointed even more.
if i can't even be bothered to try to keeping my promise to him why does it bother me so much that he'll be disappointed?
and to the extent that i had to lie to conceal that fact?
been so irritable these past few days and i feel really sorry for having lost my temper and snapping at E so much. really i am but why is it that he can sometimes do stuff that makes me stew away and feel like screaming 'you insensitive bloke!'
then i lose my temper and feel sorry almost immediately..just because i expect a certain standard of myself doesn't mean i should expect everyone to live up to that standard too.. and he somehow as a way of making me laugh through my tears and anger which is good but annoying too since i usually plan to stay angry at him for a longer period of time but have never managed to do so for more than 5 minutes.. in a temper i always tell myself 'i will stay angry. i will ignore him' but one poke from him and i dissolve into giggles and suddenly all my anger is gone.. i wonder what's wrong with myself..
just came back from a 6k run.. yeah at THIS time. it has got to be one of the craziest things i've done in my entire life. haha with him of course. honestly.. don't think he's a very good influence on me... but every moment i spend with him is exhilarating. we eat a ridiculous amount, spend ridiculous amounts on food, go on ridiculous vcd and cup noodle marathons, go to fong seng at ridiculous times (like 3 am), run at ridiculous times, run ridiculous distances within ridiculous times...
argh.. yeah with him i've watched stuff i'd never otherwise have watched, played silly beng/lian arcade games i'd never otherwise have played... etc.. hmm yeah
and i feel so comfortable with him it's almost too comfortable to be true.. i can just be childish and sulk and pout and say all kinds of silly nonsense and he'll join in too. and we talk about stuff that i can never imagine talking to another guy about.. yeah he's the one who opened my eyes to geylang at night....those tickling fights we indulge in too.. and everything is so platonic..
if there's one thing that made me believe in platonic guy-girl friendships (which alot of ppl don't believe in).. it's this.
oh and amongst all that fun i actually manage to put in a decent amount of time each day in front of my books..
how wonderful..
if only this could last..
oh yeah.. and dave kinda surprised me tonight. was doing my work when he suddenly called.. and he was just at the carpark outside my room. turned out he was kinda troubled about some stuff and wanted someone to talk to.. so he told me about it.. don't think i was of much help though.. sigh.. it was one of those situations where even he couldn't pinpoint exactly what was troubling him. but hmm i don't know why.. just felt like there was more to it.. stuff that he was holding back from me.. but nvm..
went to fong seng in the end for prata. and wow... the difference between driving and walking there.. argh eujin had better pass his driving quickly so he can get his car and drive us there at night!!!!!!!!!!!
and i realise i sound like a silly rambling fool in this post...
was really really happy last night over a small matter but hmm guess it's a good sign when i start going into raptures over silly little things like that... =)
basically my 2nd earhole hasn't closed up yet! despite me not having put anything through it for the past 3 months. haha it's really quite a feat considering i only pierced it just before the As.. yup so had this ear stud in hand dreading having to put it in.. was expecting to have to sorta twist and turn and somehow jam it in and feel some pain but ohmygod it went in sooo smoothly i was shocked.
i am good i am good i am good! =)
argh anyway think i'm starting to become too dependent on a certain someone.. but i guess it's inevitable given that we do so much stuff together. i can't i can't become so dependent on someone.. what will happen when one day he cannot or will not do all this with me anymore? i'll have to relearn how to do everything alone again....
and running.. haven't ran alone for such a long time already.. yesterday was the 1st time.. and what.. i couldn't find the motivation to go faster, to push myself more. too dependent on him again... too used to having him running by my side.. motivating me and asking me to open up my strides. damn damn damn.. what's happening to me? have to run alone more..
fang says i haven't been blogging
i said i've got nothing to write about
she said "write about me then!"
so i shall write about fang....
hmm i've known her for about 5 yrs 2 months ++.. ever since sec 3/8 in rgs. wasn't very close to her initially but yar our love and affection for each other blossomed through the tough days in OBS (we were in the same canoe!) and the fun times in australia with her smelly toe socks (i know she's gonna kill me for this haha). so yar. now today she is my lover, seducer and qing2 fu4. we've spent countless nights together starting from that night out in the corridor in the hotel in australia (remember fang???) and shared a bed numerous times too. hmmm in fact the only time i can remember where we spent the night together but did not sleep together was new yr's night at jo's place. where she stupidly gave the nice soft couch to me and slept on the cold hard floor... actually jo's bed was empty but she wanted to be by my side... thus the floor.
hmm what else.. well can't really remember much except all the sweet nothings she constantly tells me.. and her looks and gestures of affection and love that she's showered me with over the years... she is MY fang. (and yar she's a great seducer..) heh...
and yeah if you don't hear from me after tonight you'll know that all of the above is true.
i'm awake and missing both of them
i thought i was over -him- but i guess you'll never ever really get over someone whom you still love.
finally understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.
all the fooling around, ignoring him, the pretence that he didn't matter anymore... they were just my ways of hiding my feelings and the hurt
and the 3 roses throws everything into confusion again...
i thought i didn't like him but i guess i have to think again...
and i can't continue being so possessive
i've enjoyed his (almost) undivided attention for so long
but it can't go on forever
and i think it's time i learn to give it up
it wouldn't be fair to continue wanting it
especially if i can't offer him the same
he said he always treats me like a guy
*yippee*!! that's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a long time
i feel so... i don't know how to say it... -accepted-
as if i've attained a certain status in his eyes
haha
but it's weird too
i do see where he's coming from when he said the above
but then again....
i love being treated like a little kid by him
and pampered
love being pacified and having my hair ruffled whenever i pout
love the tickling sessions
love having food delivered right to my room... my bedside
love being fed ice cream
love being taken out for good food all the time
and so much more...
feel like a guy sometimes...
but just like a little girl most of the time..
and i can still feel the arm around my waist
the gentle tickling at my side
a feeling that's grown to be so comfortable
a mere careless gesture on his part, no doubt
he'll never imagine the effect it was having on me
was really surprised that she messaged. she said - it's been 3 years. 3 years ago.. the 3 of us were the closest of friends... and then i did something that left us where we are today. it was a conscious choice i made but even to this day i still do not know why i took the path i did - why i left them. i did them an even greater wrong - i chose not to keep in contact.. and in a way, i've never looked back. i felt the hurt from one of them.. but i chose to ignore it. i had my own separate life and wanted to lead it alone. and to this day i spend my life hiding, avoiding.. i don't know if i can ever face them again.. i don't want to and i don't have the courage to............
and i'm so emotionally messed up inside
i guess i really don't know what i want anymore.. or WHO i want.. for that matter. i can't believe how rapidly my feelings have diminished over the past few weeks.. but he still remains the -one- i truly care for.. the -one- i'd do anything for.. the -one- who'll always be able to make me cry..
and there's him.. who's like a ray of sunshine in my life. he's been my constant companion the past few weeks.. he's brought a smile to my face when no one else could.. been there through the longest nights and loneliest days and been ever so nice and sweet. i don't know if i'm using him... i really hope i'm not.. i used to think it was just a game we were playing but now i'm not so sure anymore. i'm starting to become emotionally dependent even though there might not be feelings involved. no matter how much i tell myself not to fall in deeper my emotions act against my will...
YOU...
stop playing games with me
i'm sick and tired of all this already
i'm having the time of my life right now
and the last thing i need is for you to mess it all up again
and to You...
i said so many months ago that it's much better being single
before IT happened
but now i'm beginning to believe in what i said all over again
maybe You made me believe in it again...
thanks for everything these past few weeks
they simply flew by in a whirl of fun and pure bliss
maybe this is just a game both of us are playing
and i don't know how long it'll last
but like i said... i'll be in it till the very end.
and all it takes is a simple message
to throw my emotions into disarray again
i haven't replied
coz i don't know what to say
even though i have so much to tell you
and now i can only play it on repeat mode
the song you love so much
the song you used to sing to me
see the pyramids along the nile
watch the sun rise from the tropic isle
just remember darling all the while
you belong to me
see the market place in old algiers
send me photographs and souvenirs
just remember when a dream appears
you belong to me
and i'll be so alone without you
maybe you'll be lonesome too
fly the ocean in a silver plane
see the jungle when it's wet with rain
just remember till you're home again
you belong to me
and i realise the my love is still there