rome is so wonderously beautiful that sometimes i cannot believe it..
and i really don't know how to start describing it
the streets lined with beautifully architectured old buildings
the lively bustling piazzas
churches around every corner
and it still hasn't sunk in that i've visited the vatican city... seen the sistine chapel with the famous ceiling painted by michaelangelo.. walked through the bedrooms where the previous popes used to live in.. yesterday i was told that 6 new saints would be unveiled today.. and when i walked past there was this magnificent ceremony going on.. too bad i couldn't stop and watch
the bus services are surprisingly reliable.. reminds me so much of singapore.. but sometimes it's wonderful to get lost in the winding maze of streets that make up rome and then have to ask directions
so many gelato shops line the streets that you'd be surprised.. but char and i have decided to limit ourselves to 1 gelato per day only. the flavours they have here is amazing too... just had this nutty-vanilla like flavour that somehow tasted of popcorn... sometimes everything seems so perfect i just want to float up to heaven..
the italians' command of english is so bad it's amazing actually.. and most of the conversations we have consist of much finger pointing and gesturing
yet somehow i want to stay here forever... i don't want to go back to the clean safe english-speaking place i call home
bought stuff today that i'd probably treasure for my entire life.... 3 "the little prince" postcards, a little prince bookmark and the little prince spanish edition. heh... now i'm one step closer to completing my collection of little prince books in every single conceivable language!
so many things have happened as well... since i left
and maybe sometimes at the crucial times i can't express my feelings that well
but i want you to know that you're the only person back home that i miss
things are moving so fast that it feels like i just get picked up and swept away by every wave that comes my way. i don't have time to figure out for myself why i'm letting myself get caught up in all this nor if this is what i really want. which might not be such a bad thing at times afterall
all i know is that i see the waves coming but i choose not to run up the sand to dry ground. i am content to let them tickle my toes, curl around my feet, break against my legs, getting closer and closer and eventually sweeping me off my feet, taking me to the wide ocean where i am at their mercy.
please don't break me
maybe going away for awhile will do me good
the esplanade bay was exceptionally beautiful
i'll always remember the way it looked tonight
ok yes so i am bored.
have alot more to study but i don't care anymore
have both duress + illegality and only ONE DAY left to study
what is happening to me
just can't seem to really sit down and get stuff into my brain
can't study in hall.. too many distractions.
can't study at home.. i never get off my bed at home
can't study in the law lib.. it's too quiet for me.. and the ringing in my ears just drives me nuts
where is bishan coffee bean. i need my bishan coffee bean. but it's closed for renovation. argh. darn. just when i need it the most
millenia walk bk and kap macs are good
but I WANT MY BISHAN COFFEE BEAN!!! bring it back to me!!!
i so cannot study
and i so cannot stop playing typershark... it's my current obssession now to break 11 million pts
and i so cannot stop reading blogs
and i so cannot stop thinking about ITALY!!
3 more days and i'll be flying off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=)
i should never have let myself get lulled into that false sense of complacency
and i have to face it
no matter how much you think you've put it behind you
the stuff that you fear most will always come back to haunt you. when you're most unsuspecting.
on another not-so-happy note
i used to love exchanges-of-ideas with others. if it gets a little heated and passionate all the better. coz we all know we're fighting for something we truly believe in
remember that great talk with mike and william at arts canteen. it was wonderful to hear will's different perspective
but this time round it was so different. i was so drained. i had so much i wanted to say but i just didn't see the point anymore. what's the point in saying what i truly believe when my opinions are not even respected?
if this is the case i'd rather just shut up. and keep my thoughts to myself
mike and will - i miss talking to them. i love talking to them. we talk. we debate. we argue. but at least we LISTEN TO EACH OTHER as well.
and just now i had to keep repeating to myself inside... over and over again:
tolerance of the intolerant. tolerance of the intolerant. tolerance of theintolerant. tolerance oftheintolerant. toleranceoftheintolerant.
just to keep my cool
now i know why i love the night. the sense of sleeplessness, the tranquility, the feeling of being all alone even though there are people barely two feet away from you, it all lulls you into a wonderfully soothing dreamy and melancholic state.
your mind starts to wander too.. to places where it shouldn't be going
but it's nice to indulge once in a while
in the painful thoughts you've successfully kept stashed away from yourself
i unlocked that door
but it was too hurting to step through
i guess i'm still not ready yet
this void that he left in my heart
will i ever let someone fill it?
for if i do
i risk the chance of it becoming empty again. i risk letting myself get ripped apart all over again.
for now i know that love is transient
do i want to catch hold of something, only to have to let it go again?
how different i am now
from the idealistic soul i used to be
maybe this is what growing up does to you
it tears to shreds the simple faith hope and belief you had in everything
it makes you cynical; wary and disbelieving even when something nice happens
i suddenly thought of that place
the place which i hold so dear to me, yet somehow seldom appears in my thoughts
fang - and i suddenly missed you
you're the only one i can go there with; the only one who can more or less understand the emotional melancholic shit that i sprout when i'm there
to be able to sit on the cold concrete
lean against the pillar
look up and see my reflection in the black glass
look through the half-drawn shades into the dimly lit rooms
and dream
and feel
last night i yearned for it so badly that my heart ached
i walk down and i get the almost-accusing looks. looks that say 'i know what you've been up to'. and the questions in their eyes - wanting to know the truth that they do not know, but can only speculate on
this place - where everything you do gets talked about. and spread about. to people whom it doesn't even concern.
i'm tired out.
at times i almost convince myself not to bother explaining. afterall they won't take it the right way. afterall ultimately my business is none of theirs
but then again sometimes i get so sick of the looks and unspoken questions that i just want to shout "HEY SO THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING. AND THIS IS WHY.......... SATISFIED?!"
but how do i start explaining? how CAN i even start explaining when i don't even know what's going on myself?
i love it at times... to just throw yourself into something and not care about the consequences and how things will turn out
to just live for the moment
but then again i hate not knowing what's going on. not being able to see the big picture. all the doubts and uncertainties. sometimes even a clear negative answer would be better than not being sure.
how can i even expect clear answers when i don't even know what i want myself? my head says a clear 'NO' and my heart is caught in a strange tangle of 'YES' and 'NO'. and this delicate balance between yes and no changes everyday.
maybe i shouldn't even be worrying about this.
maybe i should just enjoy the moment. and not care about what others think. and what will happen...
'
thanks shingfung for lending me your i-pod for company when i study! =)
even though i haven't heard like most of the chinese songs inside there are some nice english songs + trance music!
and i can't believe he actually has paul van dyk in it...!!! especially namistai.. the version which he collaborated with BT somemore! ahhhhhhhhh.... i'm going mad
and there's this song i love too
queen of my heart. the westlife version
yes i am unashamedly going to admit here to everyone that i love it! even though it's a sappy boyband song
everytime i hear it i kinda lose myself and float away on a dreamy cloud
and i really believe that if a guy.. any guy strums on his guitar and sings this song to me i'll absolutely positively melt and fall in love with him.
now i think i finally know why i get so many msgs from unknown foreign people wanting cybersex when i leave my icq on overnight
just because i included this passage from a cradle of filth song in my user details
you are in my dreams. the darkness in my eyes. the rapture in my screams.
as the night draws in beside you, we embrace the dark side by side. i pour my soul to those eyes full of fire.. oh how i crave for you. you so pure with your scent of winter. am i to bleed myself dry to see your delight?
i do not mean anything by it. i just love black metal lyrics because of the images they evoke. argh. and please do not post crude messages in my tagboard after reading this post.. i'm sick of them already
i'm bored of the songs on this laptop i'm using... which is not mine by the way..
sickening
i wish i'd brought all my mds and md player with me
but whats the point there's only 2 weeks left
argh
sigh read a fren's blog for the 1st time yesterday. had no idea he was feeling like that. he talked to me about the problem before but didn't really elaborate. just want to give him a hug and tell him that he's not alone in feeling like that. that people do care. that he does mean something to us.. to me. but how do i do that? the other time i tried to make him feel better he thought i was just showing sympathy. but it's different though it's admittedly a fine line. argh argh argh whatdoido whatdoido whatdoido?!
iamsodisgustinglyscrewedup
here i am having a 50% paper and i sit down write a few sentences and talk and laugh with people around me and walk around and eat and generally do everything else but continue with my essay
and i know my essay is half-f'ed yet i dont make any changes simply coz i can't be bothered to even though i know it'll probably cost me my grades
it's not just the physical part that's screwed up. everything else is. getting tossed around on clouds of ecstasy and anticipation all the time is wonderfully exhilarating but at the end of it all it just leaves you with a gnawing emptiness that seems to eat you up from inside. and it drains you. so much that to escape from it you start on another round of that seemingly drug-induced state of euphoria and everything just goes round in a vicious cycle that is really hard to get out of.
and i'm sick and tired of blogging the way i think i should
having to edit my words because apparently now the whole world reads this
and it sux when people tell you not to write certain stuff
it sucks when i can't say what i really want to
it sucks when i all i want to is tell you guys (specifically char jo roo fang) everything that's in my heart but can't because i have to take into account the fact that OTHER people are reading this as well.
hmmph. maybe i shld start another blog. a private one only for u guys
and this shall just be used to entertain the masses.
wadever....
it was barely 1 week ago
same teams
yet it was all so different
it sucked today. really really sucked. and right from the moment i sat down 1/2 hr before kick-off.. till they showed the starting lineup i knew it would all go terribly terribly wrong
EVERYTHING pointed towards it... i don't know how to explain it either... just my mood and the atmosphere i guess
just this weariness and xian-ness with it all
or maybe it was everything else
the company?
the fact that this time i was sitting INSIDE the hawker centre itself feeling the oil in the air and having clouds of cigarette smoke blown in my face. whatthehell even the fan was blowing HOT air at me.
sucky supersports with sucky coverage of the match. why oh why can't they hire good commentators like espn does?
and why can't they make sure their cameras / satellites / whatever... are working properly so that i didn't have to stare at a black screen at least 3 times thruout the 90 mins?
and the play. disgusting. no flow to the game at all. it pales so much in comparison to last week's
after awhile i couldn't even be bothered... not even sad. just numb. and indifferent
so now i'm sitting here feeling hot smelly and sticky and with a stinking legal theory paper to do.
life is such a bitch. and so am i.
in the midst of ANOTHER take home paper
argh i really hate this routine
initial earnestness (if there is such a word) and resolve to write really well just gives way gradually to indifference and a can't-wait-to-get-this-over-and-done-with attitude.
oh wells can't they just have it as a normal 3-hr paper
instead of prolonging the agony?!
by monday. it'll all be over. and i can finally be rid of take-home papers and sucky weekends for at least the next 4 months
took an unexpected break from hall AND home for the past 1 1/2 days. ABSOLUTELY no one knew where i was and i can't believe my friends even thought of calling the police... haha but is this what it feels like? to just wander around freely without having to answer to anyone? this lifestyle is so tempting. imagine being in paris one day and new york 2 days later. without having to tell anyone... to ask for permission... to report my whereabouts.
now looking back..
these 1 1/2 days passed by in a daze and seem really surreal now
some of the stuff i did and let happen
seem like part of a crazy dream
now it's time to get back to the real world
and forget whatever happened
because we weren't serious
because it doesn't matter anymore
but it's not so easy when things and people around me remind me of it all the time
candice
danette
danielle
diana
fang
hanshuo
james
jieyun
joanne
mavis
melissa
ru
shan
sharon
sylvia
xiuling
xiuying
rome is so wonderously beautiful that sometimes i cannot believe it..
and i really don't know how to start describing it
the streets lined with beautifully architectured old buildings
the lively bustling piazzas
churches around every corner
and it still hasn't sunk in that i've visited the vatican city... seen the sistine chapel with the famous ceiling painted by michaelangelo.. walked through the bedrooms where the previous popes used to live in.. yesterday i was told that 6 new saints would be unveiled today.. and when i walked past there was this magnificent ceremony going on.. too bad i couldn't stop and watch
the bus services are surprisingly reliable.. reminds me so much of singapore.. but sometimes it's wonderful to get lost in the winding maze of streets that make up rome and then have to ask directions
so many gelato shops line the streets that you'd be surprised.. but char and i have decided to limit ourselves to 1 gelato per day only. the flavours they have here is amazing too... just had this nutty-vanilla like flavour that somehow tasted of popcorn... sometimes everything seems so perfect i just want to float up to heaven..
the italians' command of english is so bad it's amazing actually.. and most of the conversations we have consist of much finger pointing and gesturing
yet somehow i want to stay here forever... i don't want to go back to the clean safe english-speaking place i call home
bought stuff today that i'd probably treasure for my entire life.... 3 "the little prince" postcards, a little prince bookmark and the little prince spanish edition. heh... now i'm one step closer to completing my collection of little prince books in every single conceivable language!
so many things have happened as well... since i left
and maybe sometimes at the crucial times i can't express my feelings that well
but i want you to know that you're the only person back home that i miss
things are moving so fast that it feels like i just get picked up and swept away by every wave that comes my way. i don't have time to figure out for myself why i'm letting myself get caught up in all this nor if this is what i really want. which might not be such a bad thing at times afterall
all i know is that i see the waves coming but i choose not to run up the sand to dry ground. i am content to let them tickle my toes, curl around my feet, break against my legs, getting closer and closer and eventually sweeping me off my feet, taking me to the wide ocean where i am at their mercy.
please don't break me
maybe going away for awhile will do me good
the esplanade bay was exceptionally beautiful
i'll always remember the way it looked tonight
ok yes so i am bored.
have alot more to study but i don't care anymore
have both duress + illegality and only ONE DAY left to study
what is happening to me
just can't seem to really sit down and get stuff into my brain
can't study in hall.. too many distractions.
can't study at home.. i never get off my bed at home
can't study in the law lib.. it's too quiet for me.. and the ringing in my ears just drives me nuts
where is bishan coffee bean. i need my bishan coffee bean. but it's closed for renovation. argh. darn. just when i need it the most
millenia walk bk and kap macs are good
but I WANT MY BISHAN COFFEE BEAN!!! bring it back to me!!!
i so cannot study
and i so cannot stop playing typershark... it's my current obssession now to break 11 million pts
and i so cannot stop reading blogs
and i so cannot stop thinking about ITALY!!
3 more days and i'll be flying off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
=)
i should never have let myself get lulled into that false sense of complacency
and i have to face it
no matter how much you think you've put it behind you
the stuff that you fear most will always come back to haunt you. when you're most unsuspecting.
on another not-so-happy note
i used to love exchanges-of-ideas with others. if it gets a little heated and passionate all the better. coz we all know we're fighting for something we truly believe in
remember that great talk with mike and william at arts canteen. it was wonderful to hear will's different perspective
but this time round it was so different. i was so drained. i had so much i wanted to say but i just didn't see the point anymore. what's the point in saying what i truly believe when my opinions are not even respected?
if this is the case i'd rather just shut up. and keep my thoughts to myself
mike and will - i miss talking to them. i love talking to them. we talk. we debate. we argue. but at least we LISTEN TO EACH OTHER as well.
and just now i had to keep repeating to myself inside... over and over again:
tolerance of the intolerant. tolerance of the intolerant. tolerance of theintolerant. tolerance oftheintolerant. toleranceoftheintolerant.
just to keep my cool
now i know why i love the night. the sense of sleeplessness, the tranquility, the feeling of being all alone even though there are people barely two feet away from you, it all lulls you into a wonderfully soothing dreamy and melancholic state.
your mind starts to wander too.. to places where it shouldn't be going
but it's nice to indulge once in a while
in the painful thoughts you've successfully kept stashed away from yourself
i unlocked that door
but it was too hurting to step through
i guess i'm still not ready yet
this void that he left in my heart
will i ever let someone fill it?
for if i do
i risk the chance of it becoming empty again. i risk letting myself get ripped apart all over again.
for now i know that love is transient
do i want to catch hold of something, only to have to let it go again?
how different i am now
from the idealistic soul i used to be
maybe this is what growing up does to you
it tears to shreds the simple faith hope and belief you had in everything
it makes you cynical; wary and disbelieving even when something nice happens
i suddenly thought of that place
the place which i hold so dear to me, yet somehow seldom appears in my thoughts
fang - and i suddenly missed you
you're the only one i can go there with; the only one who can more or less understand the emotional melancholic shit that i sprout when i'm there
to be able to sit on the cold concrete
lean against the pillar
look up and see my reflection in the black glass
look through the half-drawn shades into the dimly lit rooms
and dream
and feel
last night i yearned for it so badly that my heart ached
i walk down and i get the almost-accusing looks. looks that say 'i know what you've been up to'. and the questions in their eyes - wanting to know the truth that they do not know, but can only speculate on
this place - where everything you do gets talked about. and spread about. to people whom it doesn't even concern.
i'm tired out.
at times i almost convince myself not to bother explaining. afterall they won't take it the right way. afterall ultimately my business is none of theirs
but then again sometimes i get so sick of the looks and unspoken questions that i just want to shout "HEY SO THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING. AND THIS IS WHY.......... SATISFIED?!"
but how do i start explaining? how CAN i even start explaining when i don't even know what's going on myself?
i love it at times... to just throw yourself into something and not care about the consequences and how things will turn out
to just live for the moment
but then again i hate not knowing what's going on. not being able to see the big picture. all the doubts and uncertainties. sometimes even a clear negative answer would be better than not being sure.
how can i even expect clear answers when i don't even know what i want myself? my head says a clear 'NO' and my heart is caught in a strange tangle of 'YES' and 'NO'. and this delicate balance between yes and no changes everyday.
maybe i shouldn't even be worrying about this.
maybe i should just enjoy the moment. and not care about what others think. and what will happen...
'
thanks shingfung for lending me your i-pod for company when i study! =)
even though i haven't heard like most of the chinese songs inside there are some nice english songs + trance music!
and i can't believe he actually has paul van dyk in it...!!! especially namistai.. the version which he collaborated with BT somemore! ahhhhhhhhh.... i'm going mad
and there's this song i love too
queen of my heart. the westlife version
yes i am unashamedly going to admit here to everyone that i love it! even though it's a sappy boyband song
everytime i hear it i kinda lose myself and float away on a dreamy cloud
and i really believe that if a guy.. any guy strums on his guitar and sings this song to me i'll absolutely positively melt and fall in love with him.
now i think i finally know why i get so many msgs from unknown foreign people wanting cybersex when i leave my icq on overnight
just because i included this passage from a cradle of filth song in my user details
you are in my dreams. the darkness in my eyes. the rapture in my screams.
as the night draws in beside you, we embrace the dark side by side. i pour my soul to those eyes full of fire.. oh how i crave for you. you so pure with your scent of winter. am i to bleed myself dry to see your delight?
i do not mean anything by it. i just love black metal lyrics because of the images they evoke. argh. and please do not post crude messages in my tagboard after reading this post.. i'm sick of them already
i'm bored of the songs on this laptop i'm using... which is not mine by the way..
sickening
i wish i'd brought all my mds and md player with me
but whats the point there's only 2 weeks left
argh
sigh read a fren's blog for the 1st time yesterday. had no idea he was feeling like that. he talked to me about the problem before but didn't really elaborate. just want to give him a hug and tell him that he's not alone in feeling like that. that people do care. that he does mean something to us.. to me. but how do i do that? the other time i tried to make him feel better he thought i was just showing sympathy. but it's different though it's admittedly a fine line. argh argh argh whatdoido whatdoido whatdoido?!
iamsodisgustinglyscrewedup
here i am having a 50% paper and i sit down write a few sentences and talk and laugh with people around me and walk around and eat and generally do everything else but continue with my essay
and i know my essay is half-f'ed yet i dont make any changes simply coz i can't be bothered to even though i know it'll probably cost me my grades
it's not just the physical part that's screwed up. everything else is. getting tossed around on clouds of ecstasy and anticipation all the time is wonderfully exhilarating but at the end of it all it just leaves you with a gnawing emptiness that seems to eat you up from inside. and it drains you. so much that to escape from it you start on another round of that seemingly drug-induced state of euphoria and everything just goes round in a vicious cycle that is really hard to get out of.
and i'm sick and tired of blogging the way i think i should
having to edit my words because apparently now the whole world reads this
and it sux when people tell you not to write certain stuff
it sucks when i can't say what i really want to
it sucks when i all i want to is tell you guys (specifically char jo roo fang) everything that's in my heart but can't because i have to take into account the fact that OTHER people are reading this as well.
hmmph. maybe i shld start another blog. a private one only for u guys
and this shall just be used to entertain the masses.
wadever....
it was barely 1 week ago
same teams
yet it was all so different
it sucked today. really really sucked. and right from the moment i sat down 1/2 hr before kick-off.. till they showed the starting lineup i knew it would all go terribly terribly wrong
EVERYTHING pointed towards it... i don't know how to explain it either... just my mood and the atmosphere i guess
just this weariness and xian-ness with it all
or maybe it was everything else
the company?
the fact that this time i was sitting INSIDE the hawker centre itself feeling the oil in the air and having clouds of cigarette smoke blown in my face. whatthehell even the fan was blowing HOT air at me.
sucky supersports with sucky coverage of the match. why oh why can't they hire good commentators like espn does?
and why can't they make sure their cameras / satellites / whatever... are working properly so that i didn't have to stare at a black screen at least 3 times thruout the 90 mins?
and the play. disgusting. no flow to the game at all. it pales so much in comparison to last week's
after awhile i couldn't even be bothered... not even sad. just numb. and indifferent
so now i'm sitting here feeling hot smelly and sticky and with a stinking legal theory paper to do.
life is such a bitch. and so am i.
in the midst of ANOTHER take home paper
argh i really hate this routine
initial earnestness (if there is such a word) and resolve to write really well just gives way gradually to indifference and a can't-wait-to-get-this-over-and-done-with attitude.
oh wells can't they just have it as a normal 3-hr paper
instead of prolonging the agony?!
by monday. it'll all be over. and i can finally be rid of take-home papers and sucky weekends for at least the next 4 months
took an unexpected break from hall AND home for the past 1 1/2 days. ABSOLUTELY no one knew where i was and i can't believe my friends even thought of calling the police... haha but is this what it feels like? to just wander around freely without having to answer to anyone? this lifestyle is so tempting. imagine being in paris one day and new york 2 days later. without having to tell anyone... to ask for permission... to report my whereabouts.
now looking back..
these 1 1/2 days passed by in a daze and seem really surreal now
some of the stuff i did and let happen
seem like part of a crazy dream
now it's time to get back to the real world
and forget whatever happened
because we weren't serious
because it doesn't matter anymore
but it's not so easy when things and people around me remind me of it all the time