when i'm done with surfing all the blogs i know of, reading the profiles / testimonials / viewing photos of all the people i can find on frienster, and am sick of maple....
the only thing left to do is....
STUDY!
heh.. finally found a way to get down to studying at last. but it's soooo time-consuming -- have to waste at least 2 hours on nonsense before that. oh well still it's better than nothing
her attempts at french are so so pathetic. i cringe whenever i read it.. just a direct translation from english, without conveying any essence of the language at all.
...
then again who am i to judge. i think i've returned > 80% of what i've learnt.
but still... bad writing is BAD writing. no 2 ways about it
it's over.
i should be happy now that i can spend long uninterrupted hours lazing around, chilling out, studying, playing maplestory, whatever with groo.. but i'm not.
because it didn't end well.
it's heartening though to see the players' nicks reflecting their love for the team and groo --> i'm so very very proud of you.
the agonizing was worth it, to see the spirit with which the guys played today.
though it's over now, we can all look forward to soaring to greater heights next year.
and for this i'm willing to put up with any amount of agony
freaking maplestory is still down / patching and i'm pissed coz i'm counting on it to take me through the last few hours. of all days they HAVE to patch today. bah. so now i only have 'angels and demons' for company and i sure hope i can make it last through the night
angels and demons just makes me feel nostalgic for rome and i can't believe it's been 9 months already. all the references to the vatican evoke memories of st peter's square, the statues, fountain, the famous dome, the lush sprawling gardens and not much else. sad. even comments on the art pieces in the museums fail to paint me a clear picture of what they were like. have i forgotten that much already?
i want to go back. and i'm saying this with a desperate longing i've never felt before. dan brown never fails to have this effect on me.
which reminds me... char i haven't burnt my italy photos for you yet! argh i'll do it soon i promise.
and yup i've finally gotten angels and demons. will lend u when u get back =)
i can't work when i'm emotionally even a little out-of-sorts. my emotions control me too much. can never be the 'bury myself in work to forget' kind of person. heh which has resulted in me doing practially zilch since the sem started. but all that shall change starting from tomorrow. yesh. i want to mugggg!
ran 10k yesterday and my legs don't even hurt at all today even though it's been a year since i covered that much distance. -happy and accomplished-
ignore this post ppl... i just need a place to keep track of the books i've been reading and since i'm always losing my scraps of paper i figured this is the next best place.
~ audrey niffeneger - the time traveller's wife
~ amy tan - the bonesetter's daughter
~ phillip roth - american pastoral
~ anne rice - queen of the damned
~ donna tartt - the secret history
~ (forgot author) - dancing with the virgins
~ dean koontz - by the light of the moon
~ tony parsons - man and boy
~ dan brown - the da vinci code
~ lisa appignanesi - the dead of winter
~ paullina simons - red leaves
~ milan kundera - the unbearable lightness of being
~ peter robinson - the summer that never was
~ mitch albom - tuesdays with morrie
~ haruki murakami - dance dance dance
~ anne rice - the vampire lestat
~ anne rice - interview with the vampire
~ sharon mass - the speech of angels
~ john grisham - the king of torts
~ dean koontz - one door away from heaven
i've been trying so hard, and some days i actually end up feeling proud of myself, which is good... but i really don't know how much more of this i can take. and right now all i can tell myself is: it's just one more day. one more helluva long day and it'll be over.
sometimes i wish i were more level-headed, less prone to emotional outbursts and depressing thoughts. every single time, it's a huge internal struggle between venting it all out and being 'good' and keeping it inside. and my selfishness shows through clearly in this situation. yes i'm selfish. i can't just push my wishes away into some dark corner and just wait patiently. i want what i want and what's the point of pretending that i can do fine without it?
it's so difficult.
now i understand. i fully understand. it's only when you are or have been in the same situation yourself that you can genuinely put yourself into someone else's shoes. others, as much as they mean well, simply have no notion, no inkling of what one is going through. after 2 long years, i finally understand. why J and S had to part. why J demanded whatever she demanded. when you simply have no other way out you just have to grit your teeth, do the right thing and bear with the excruciating anguish. it's better than the little, daily doses of pain you have to put up with, which will just eventually wear you out totally.
i have to admit.. i'm worn out... so fucking worn out that i must confess that i've been harbouring a secret evil wish all along...since tuesday actually. but that wish did not come true and now i don't know if i should be sad or glad. i'm sorry. but i can't help the way i feel inside.
i just want tomorrow to come.
and go.
as quickly as possible
time to get a new blogskin. the current picture has mysteriously disappeared for several days. sigh. later peeps
been gone for a long long time because of maplestory... to the extent that i haven't gone on msn nor checked mail in simply AGES. but yes it's time to get my priorities straight -- 7 hours of maplestory a day could very well destroy this sem's grades. and groo's ihg is ending too so very soon we shall be able to study study study day and night! =)
it's been 2 weeks of school and i haven't skipped any lectures yet... what an amazingly good start.. heh.. shall try to make the coming week the same too
had lunch at ding3 tai4 feng1 this afternoon with groo & guoyan. northies --> we must go back again! the food that night was good only but this afternoon it was simply fantabulous... the fried rice and xiao long bao were the best. finally i'm beginning to understand why it's been rated by the new york times as one of the world's top 10 restaurants.
i say this not with pride, but as a fact... my intuition is so very accurate. yes i'm proud of it. but the circumstances in which i realised this fact are not very happy circumstances. uhm. shall not elaborate. but it has to do with knowing when others' relationships turn bad. subtle hints on friendster + msn nicks + daily observances = a pretty good and accurate guess.
argh but i don't want to sound like a big gossip and kaypoh (which i am of course) so i shall stop here.
the whole question to life, sometimes i think, is all about finding the right balance. i'm not talking about a 'balance of priorities' thingy here.. it's something more subtle, less tangible, yet of utmost importance --> the balance of 'emotions' - for lack of a better word, and attitude when interacting with people. and more specifically, people who are depressed.
this is something i have not been able to do.
when people cry to me and tell me about my problems i mean well. really i do. and yes i care and do want to follow up on their 'progress' - again for lack of a better word after that. but often i feel like i just mess up everything and end up saying the wrong thing. either the issue is so distant and unrelated to my life that i have nothing to say, or else i have lots to say but don't want to sound like i'm preaching. and w0rse still somehow half the time what i say comes out sounding unconvincing. even to myself.
and manymany times when i know something is wrong and am concerned but don't want to seem like i'm probing i just cautiously skirt round the issue hoping to elicit a reply in the direction i want the conversation to head instead of just -asking-. so i end up seeming unconcerned.
it's tough.
to some of the closer people i've actually gathered up the courage to say frankly at times 'i don't know what to say'. and i hope / think they understand coz they've said the same to be before and i understood fully.
i do wish i know all the right things to say at the right time, when to keep silent and when to talk, when to just listen and when to give advice, whether i should sympathise or drill in some sense.. etc etc and the list goes on and on.
but the ultimate point is... i do care, my friends, and of course you too my dear cousin (if you're reading this) although i may not know how to express it nicely and appropriately.
yet another sleepless night... and the best thing is that i've made plans to run at 8am later. gosh.. maybe i should just forget about sleeping right.
the nus internet connection is so sucky... got kicked out of maplestory 20++ times in 1/2 hr... sigh poor me... it's all my fault i guess... made groo 'die' so i had to help him gain back his 10% experience plus 40 charms of the undead and it took a helluva looong time. and i'm pissed pissed pissed.
suffering from a bout of uncalled for fear and worry. it suddenly occured to me that human life is so vulnerable. any of us can just pass away at any moment, due to circumstances beyond our control. like groo's ex camp mate who perished from a sudden asthma attack. and fatal accidents could happen to any of us during our next bus / car ride or even when we're crossing the road.
and it's the fear of this happening to the loved one that's eating away at me now. what if he's taken away from me just so suddenly?
and now suddenly i really truly understand and feel my parents' fears - of me staying out late.. walking the dark stretch home alone... going overseas with friends...driving alone.. etc. i used to scoff at it but now i understand their agony. what i'm feeling now multiplied by several times at least.
argh i want to wake groo up and seek comfort. should i rouse him from his slumber? yes no yes no.. yes.. no...
argh i dunno
someone save me
i'm really irked about this matter even though it's a small one, really.. and so i've got to get it off my chest even though i may offend people along the way. but honestly i don't give a damn
you you you. yes i'm pissed at you.
i'm not obliged to entertain you every single time you want me to.
people do have priorities in life because it's simply impossible to give up equal portions of one's time to every single person and thing that comes along
and what's wrong with my groo (the other half) getting top priority? if you don't like it and can't live with it then don't bother. because i can't be bothered with you either.
there is a reason for me choosing him as my other half. to put it quite simply he's the special one. i love him and yes he gets most of my time and attention and affection. if i'm going to have to treat everyone else equally well or what not i might as well not be in a relationship with him right.
and please do stop assuming stuff.
having groo as my top priority does not mean that my life revolves around him (i.e. i might be busy with other important stuff)
duh
oh and perhaps you might like to know... i was in the midst of playing maplestory.
so how does it feel now? realising that somehow in my list of priorities, a mere game ranks above you?
bah.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
anyway... bitching aside
i had a lovely evening out with fang =)
dinner at sakae in our cosy booth was perfect. hah both of us couldn't stop commenting on how happy/ contented we were throughout the meal.
for the record.. we had 3 plates of peas! and wanted more but there was NO MORE to be found on the conveyor belt... and we couldn't order either coz it wasn't even on the menu. -disgusted-.
hmmph. next time must stock up early on at least 5 plates...
Buds ice cream is sooo good i wonder why i can't find it elsewhere in sg. seriously it's the best i've ever tasted. better than haagen dazs... ben n jerrys.. movenpick and what nots.
Seed of Chucky was soooo bad i feel sorry for the director and cast. can't believe i spent 7.50 on it. i don't wish to elaborate more.. but please don't watch it. it's really bad.
found more lonely sad romantic apartment windows to look into! this is becoming an obssession man..
and i just realised that i've totally stopped dreaming of living alone, of having my own bachelorette pad with dim yellow lights and wine and lounge music, more importantly, of enjoying the feeling of being alone at the end of the day.
the idea still appeals in a far-off abstract sort of way, but no longer in reality.
if circumstances in future make it such that i will have to live alone, i'd be ok with it..
but i'll never ever be contented with spending nights alone in my own company anymore.
i'd just think back on happier times and feel melancholic.
so this is how i've been scarred by relationships. the fear of being alone.
i can't find the lovely squishy stickers i bought at ps when i was with jo! and it suddenly dawns on me i might have in all my blurness and stupidity thrown them away by mistake while packing my room. someone slap me please... the one time i decide to pack up my mess of a room... i end up throwing something nice away. it really doesn't pay to be good. bah.
maple story is so addictivbe... way more so than all the other online games i've ever played before. the last 1 wk plus of the hols was spent playing it more than 8 hours/day.. sometimes throughout the night even. maybe it's a good thing tt school's starting...
gg for supper now! =)
candice
danette
danielle
diana
fang
hanshuo
james
jieyun
joanne
mavis
melissa
ru
shan
sharon
sylvia
xiuling
xiuying
when i'm done with surfing all the blogs i know of, reading the profiles / testimonials / viewing photos of all the people i can find on frienster, and am sick of maple....
the only thing left to do is....
STUDY!
heh.. finally found a way to get down to studying at last. but it's soooo time-consuming -- have to waste at least 2 hours on nonsense before that. oh well still it's better than nothing
her attempts at french are so so pathetic. i cringe whenever i read it.. just a direct translation from english, without conveying any essence of the language at all.
...
then again who am i to judge. i think i've returned > 80% of what i've learnt.
but still... bad writing is BAD writing. no 2 ways about it
it's over.
i should be happy now that i can spend long uninterrupted hours lazing around, chilling out, studying, playing maplestory, whatever with groo.. but i'm not.
because it didn't end well.
it's heartening though to see the players' nicks reflecting their love for the team and groo --> i'm so very very proud of you.
the agonizing was worth it, to see the spirit with which the guys played today.
though it's over now, we can all look forward to soaring to greater heights next year.
and for this i'm willing to put up with any amount of agony
freaking maplestory is still down / patching and i'm pissed coz i'm counting on it to take me through the last few hours. of all days they HAVE to patch today. bah. so now i only have 'angels and demons' for company and i sure hope i can make it last through the night
angels and demons just makes me feel nostalgic for rome and i can't believe it's been 9 months already. all the references to the vatican evoke memories of st peter's square, the statues, fountain, the famous dome, the lush sprawling gardens and not much else. sad. even comments on the art pieces in the museums fail to paint me a clear picture of what they were like. have i forgotten that much already?
i want to go back. and i'm saying this with a desperate longing i've never felt before. dan brown never fails to have this effect on me.
which reminds me... char i haven't burnt my italy photos for you yet! argh i'll do it soon i promise.
and yup i've finally gotten angels and demons. will lend u when u get back =)
i can't work when i'm emotionally even a little out-of-sorts. my emotions control me too much. can never be the 'bury myself in work to forget' kind of person. heh which has resulted in me doing practially zilch since the sem started. but all that shall change starting from tomorrow. yesh. i want to mugggg!
ran 10k yesterday and my legs don't even hurt at all today even though it's been a year since i covered that much distance. -happy and accomplished-
ignore this post ppl... i just need a place to keep track of the books i've been reading and since i'm always losing my scraps of paper i figured this is the next best place.
~ audrey niffeneger - the time traveller's wife
~ amy tan - the bonesetter's daughter
~ phillip roth - american pastoral
~ anne rice - queen of the damned
~ donna tartt - the secret history
~ (forgot author) - dancing with the virgins
~ dean koontz - by the light of the moon
~ tony parsons - man and boy
~ dan brown - the da vinci code
~ lisa appignanesi - the dead of winter
~ paullina simons - red leaves
~ milan kundera - the unbearable lightness of being
~ peter robinson - the summer that never was
~ mitch albom - tuesdays with morrie
~ haruki murakami - dance dance dance
~ anne rice - the vampire lestat
~ anne rice - interview with the vampire
~ sharon mass - the speech of angels
~ john grisham - the king of torts
~ dean koontz - one door away from heaven
i've been trying so hard, and some days i actually end up feeling proud of myself, which is good... but i really don't know how much more of this i can take. and right now all i can tell myself is: it's just one more day. one more helluva long day and it'll be over.
sometimes i wish i were more level-headed, less prone to emotional outbursts and depressing thoughts. every single time, it's a huge internal struggle between venting it all out and being 'good' and keeping it inside. and my selfishness shows through clearly in this situation. yes i'm selfish. i can't just push my wishes away into some dark corner and just wait patiently. i want what i want and what's the point of pretending that i can do fine without it?
it's so difficult.
now i understand. i fully understand. it's only when you are or have been in the same situation yourself that you can genuinely put yourself into someone else's shoes. others, as much as they mean well, simply have no notion, no inkling of what one is going through. after 2 long years, i finally understand. why J and S had to part. why J demanded whatever she demanded. when you simply have no other way out you just have to grit your teeth, do the right thing and bear with the excruciating anguish. it's better than the little, daily doses of pain you have to put up with, which will just eventually wear you out totally.
i have to admit.. i'm worn out... so fucking worn out that i must confess that i've been harbouring a secret evil wish all along...since tuesday actually. but that wish did not come true and now i don't know if i should be sad or glad. i'm sorry. but i can't help the way i feel inside.
i just want tomorrow to come.
and go.
as quickly as possible
time to get a new blogskin. the current picture has mysteriously disappeared for several days. sigh. later peeps
been gone for a long long time because of maplestory... to the extent that i haven't gone on msn nor checked mail in simply AGES. but yes it's time to get my priorities straight -- 7 hours of maplestory a day could very well destroy this sem's grades. and groo's ihg is ending too so very soon we shall be able to study study study day and night! =)
it's been 2 weeks of school and i haven't skipped any lectures yet... what an amazingly good start.. heh.. shall try to make the coming week the same too
had lunch at ding3 tai4 feng1 this afternoon with groo & guoyan. northies --> we must go back again! the food that night was good only but this afternoon it was simply fantabulous... the fried rice and xiao long bao were the best. finally i'm beginning to understand why it's been rated by the new york times as one of the world's top 10 restaurants.
i say this not with pride, but as a fact... my intuition is so very accurate. yes i'm proud of it. but the circumstances in which i realised this fact are not very happy circumstances. uhm. shall not elaborate. but it has to do with knowing when others' relationships turn bad. subtle hints on friendster + msn nicks + daily observances = a pretty good and accurate guess.
argh but i don't want to sound like a big gossip and kaypoh (which i am of course) so i shall stop here.
the whole question to life, sometimes i think, is all about finding the right balance. i'm not talking about a 'balance of priorities' thingy here.. it's something more subtle, less tangible, yet of utmost importance --> the balance of 'emotions' - for lack of a better word, and attitude when interacting with people. and more specifically, people who are depressed.
this is something i have not been able to do.
when people cry to me and tell me about my problems i mean well. really i do. and yes i care and do want to follow up on their 'progress' - again for lack of a better word after that. but often i feel like i just mess up everything and end up saying the wrong thing. either the issue is so distant and unrelated to my life that i have nothing to say, or else i have lots to say but don't want to sound like i'm preaching. and w0rse still somehow half the time what i say comes out sounding unconvincing. even to myself.
and manymany times when i know something is wrong and am concerned but don't want to seem like i'm probing i just cautiously skirt round the issue hoping to elicit a reply in the direction i want the conversation to head instead of just -asking-. so i end up seeming unconcerned.
it's tough.
to some of the closer people i've actually gathered up the courage to say frankly at times 'i don't know what to say'. and i hope / think they understand coz they've said the same to be before and i understood fully.
i do wish i know all the right things to say at the right time, when to keep silent and when to talk, when to just listen and when to give advice, whether i should sympathise or drill in some sense.. etc etc and the list goes on and on.
but the ultimate point is... i do care, my friends, and of course you too my dear cousin (if you're reading this) although i may not know how to express it nicely and appropriately.
yet another sleepless night... and the best thing is that i've made plans to run at 8am later. gosh.. maybe i should just forget about sleeping right.
the nus internet connection is so sucky... got kicked out of maplestory 20++ times in 1/2 hr... sigh poor me... it's all my fault i guess... made groo 'die' so i had to help him gain back his 10% experience plus 40 charms of the undead and it took a helluva looong time. and i'm pissed pissed pissed.
suffering from a bout of uncalled for fear and worry. it suddenly occured to me that human life is so vulnerable. any of us can just pass away at any moment, due to circumstances beyond our control. like groo's ex camp mate who perished from a sudden asthma attack. and fatal accidents could happen to any of us during our next bus / car ride or even when we're crossing the road.
and it's the fear of this happening to the loved one that's eating away at me now. what if he's taken away from me just so suddenly?
and now suddenly i really truly understand and feel my parents' fears - of me staying out late.. walking the dark stretch home alone... going overseas with friends...driving alone.. etc. i used to scoff at it but now i understand their agony. what i'm feeling now multiplied by several times at least.
argh i want to wake groo up and seek comfort. should i rouse him from his slumber? yes no yes no.. yes.. no...
argh i dunno
someone save me
i'm really irked about this matter even though it's a small one, really.. and so i've got to get it off my chest even though i may offend people along the way. but honestly i don't give a damn
you you you. yes i'm pissed at you.
i'm not obliged to entertain you every single time you want me to.
people do have priorities in life because it's simply impossible to give up equal portions of one's time to every single person and thing that comes along
and what's wrong with my groo (the other half) getting top priority? if you don't like it and can't live with it then don't bother. because i can't be bothered with you either.
there is a reason for me choosing him as my other half. to put it quite simply he's the special one. i love him and yes he gets most of my time and attention and affection. if i'm going to have to treat everyone else equally well or what not i might as well not be in a relationship with him right.
and please do stop assuming stuff.
having groo as my top priority does not mean that my life revolves around him (i.e. i might be busy with other important stuff)
duh
oh and perhaps you might like to know... i was in the midst of playing maplestory.
so how does it feel now? realising that somehow in my list of priorities, a mere game ranks above you?
bah.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
anyway... bitching aside
i had a lovely evening out with fang =)
dinner at sakae in our cosy booth was perfect. hah both of us couldn't stop commenting on how happy/ contented we were throughout the meal.
for the record.. we had 3 plates of peas! and wanted more but there was NO MORE to be found on the conveyor belt... and we couldn't order either coz it wasn't even on the menu. -disgusted-.
hmmph. next time must stock up early on at least 5 plates...
Buds ice cream is sooo good i wonder why i can't find it elsewhere in sg. seriously it's the best i've ever tasted. better than haagen dazs... ben n jerrys.. movenpick and what nots.
Seed of Chucky was soooo bad i feel sorry for the director and cast. can't believe i spent 7.50 on it. i don't wish to elaborate more.. but please don't watch it. it's really bad.
found more lonely sad romantic apartment windows to look into! this is becoming an obssession man..
and i just realised that i've totally stopped dreaming of living alone, of having my own bachelorette pad with dim yellow lights and wine and lounge music, more importantly, of enjoying the feeling of being alone at the end of the day.
the idea still appeals in a far-off abstract sort of way, but no longer in reality.
if circumstances in future make it such that i will have to live alone, i'd be ok with it..
but i'll never ever be contented with spending nights alone in my own company anymore.
i'd just think back on happier times and feel melancholic.
so this is how i've been scarred by relationships. the fear of being alone.
i can't find the lovely squishy stickers i bought at ps when i was with jo! and it suddenly dawns on me i might have in all my blurness and stupidity thrown them away by mistake while packing my room. someone slap me please... the one time i decide to pack up my mess of a room... i end up throwing something nice away. it really doesn't pay to be good. bah.
maple story is so addictivbe... way more so than all the other online games i've ever played before. the last 1 wk plus of the hols was spent playing it more than 8 hours/day.. sometimes throughout the night even. maybe it's a good thing tt school's starting...
gg for supper now! =)