*[[ Fairytale To Happen ]]*

Sunday, May 30, 2004

all these issues that suddenly pop up from nowhere
if u'd asked me a month ago i wouldn't have thought they existed; wouldn't have thought they lurked deep down somewhere between us
but glad they've been resolved

i love swimming with you
the way we just swim ONE lap then laze the rest of the time away
the crazy things we talk about in the water
the mad scramble from the cold pool to the warm one
and best of all
you lifting me up in your arms so that i float effortlessly around looking up at the night sky or spinning me round and round such that i gasp for breath and clutch your neck tightly and wish alternately that you would stop/go on forever/stop/go on forever

and candice! please do bring mellow back with you this time! i feel like it's been years since i've last hugged him.. boohoo...

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|12:47:00 PM|

Thursday, May 27, 2004

it's 19 mins past the actual date but anyway

happy first month =)

although it really feels much longer than that.
as you say.. it feels like we're lao3 fu1 lao3 qi1 already
and i hafta agree.. it was like our 20th wedding anniversary or something like that
haha
if it were true it'd really be quite sad...
no child
no kangaroo babies
no penthouse; heck no hdb flat even!
no dog
no car
no holidays together
no bookshop
haha
blah whatever

anyway everyone.. you absolutely HAVE to read vikram seth's "an equal music" especially if you are a die-hard romantic. or rather if you are a sucker for stories of love that end in hurt and tears. because it just tears you apart inside out and you'll never be the same person again. and his simple language just rolls over you like poetry. it's something really incredible.

or maybe it's just me
but i've read it 3 times and every time i find something new in it

just go read lah

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|12:18:00 AM|

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

sometimes i think i'm fated to be a klutz. or maybe somehow bad things just happen to me when you are around. first there was that tiny blue black on my arm from where you once pinched me (no i have NOT forgotten that). then there was that enormous blue black on my left shin that appeared due to you clumsily tripping over that metal chain on the way to fong seng. and that other one on my knee from rollerblading. plus a whole host of other mysterious cuts and bruises that have somehow found their way onto various parts of me that HAVE to be caused by you somehow because no one else has been in such constant and close proximity to me as you have been in the past one month.

except maybe blueberry cheesecake
but he's really pretty harmless as compared to you

and then while eating curry fish with you the curry had to slosh out over the bowl and stain my shorts and t-shirt. worse still i had curry stains on the back of my tshirt as well and till now i have absolutely no clue as to how they could have gotten there
and then the blister after ice-skating which STILL hurts by the way
AND i somehow got ma la mian gravy all over the table when transferring it from my bowl to your plate
AND to add to everything i clumsily and dramatically upset my cup of coffee at dome and scrambled to wipe the mess up with dozens of serviettes while you just sat back and grinned your silly kangaroo grin at me.

bah.

somehow this kind of stuff doesn't happen to me when you're not around i really don't know why

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|2:56:00 AM|

ohmygosh danette just put up some really really ancient photos of our canoeing days (in which i looked really really BAD) and it brought back a flood of memories, some of which i've almost forgotten about, both good and bad.

life was so simple back then...
eat
sleep
train
eat
sleep
train

and the only places we knew were kallang, national stadium, the rj weights room, track, pullup bars

of course all these have become history long long ago
but some things will always remain the same
like lynn koh and ben! ;)
and all her embarrassing stories
muahahahaahaha...

(see.. ian.. if you're reading this, i've learnt how to laugh properly now. MUAHAHAHA instead of BWAHAHAHA. but it is still respectfully submitted that YOU were the one who started the bwahaha thing first okay)

argh i'm now starting to miss those days. have the urge to go down and see the juniors train even though i know i'll leave feeling not very pleased with them. and it's been ages since i last sat in a k1.

soon la hopefully...

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|2:25:00 AM|

Saturday, May 22, 2004

shit it's 430 and i still cannot sleep. don't understand why i only get insomnia during the hols when i'm not stressed out. have to wake up at 8 am tomorrow to go over to his place to run and swim.. don't know how i'm gonna manage to wake up in time since i'm officially a pig and a sleepyhead rolled into one.. like who else can sleep for 11 hrs straight and not even wake up when their home phone rings.. oh man i feel disgusted at myself even as i type this out.

but i don't care i'm gonna do it somehow because i really feel so bad that i woke up so late yesterday morning and made us miss our run and made you stressed and call me so many times and yes i'm not gonna be a blur ass anymore.. i'll get down at the correct stop and remember to buy all the stuff i'm supposed to buy and yeah. stuff like that.

haha and yes he should be honoured that practically the whole world thinks that i've liked him for a very long time already. and now with everyone thinking so i'm starting to wonder if i've really liked him since that long ago.. yeah like even when i was trying to get over dave or even more shockingly when i was still together with dave (which i really hope was not the case since it'd have meant i was cheating dave, myself, him and whoever ever else la huh). sometimes it's really hard to tell with feelings man they sorta just grow on you and suddenly one day u wake up and realise they're there which means that they'd maybe been festering in some deep dark corner of me all along yet i was blissfully unaware of their existence until like maybe sf and ken made me realise it.
whoooooooops.
shucks.
haha anyway i also can't pinpoint exactly when it started la huh but he says why does it matter anymore since we are where we already are now and know that it's mutual. so yeah.. makes sense.

have run outta stuff to write already but am still not sleepy.. which means that i am so dead tomorrow. or rather later this morning. and this is silly but i realise i have 2 different and distinct writing styles.. rambly mode (which is what this post is made of) and serious writing mode (which is what the bottom post is made of). ok whatever. just a random observation that's all. shall go back and attempt to sleep again..

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|4:36:00 AM|

now 4 months after it ended i can finally take a step back and look at it objectively and i realise how horribly deluded i had been. eujin put it all into perspective for me such that now i realise that i may have been naive, it being my first relationship and all that, and you may have had more pressing concerns, but it certainly was no way to go about doing things.

and sometimes when i'm in something i just accept things the way they are without questioning and without thinking if i actually deserve to be treated in this way. eujin and i may be able to laugh together now about how, even as recent as february, i would tell him that dave was the only one i'd ever marry, that it'd be either dave or no one else, even after everything that'd happened, and the surprising thing was i really truly believed in it at that time. how idealistic. how childish.

because now a few months on i've put it behind me and i really can't believe that you still can manage to sound disappointed when i tell you about my newfound happiness, when so long ago you made me believe it was all over. it makes me feel like i owe you something when i really fucking don't and now i'm starting to wonder if you've been playing mind games with me all along and feeding me with packs of lies but it really doesn't matter anymore. so maybe it really was a blessing that it ended when it did, or else i wouldn't be so blissfully happy now. and what jo said was right, about everything happening for a reason, because now i think maybe i was meant to find someone whom i can be happier with.

fuck. i sound frightfully bitter but maybe that's what i've been wanting to say all along.

on another note...

italy feels like a dream that hasn't ended, every morning i wake up half expecting to find myself sleeping beside char in a hotel room and then listening to Ciro crack jokes on the tour bus on the way to florence or venice or wherever, and i really do miss it badly. i always used to scoff at tours because they only show you the touristy parts of each country and true, it was the first few days getting lost and wondering around alone in rome that exposed me the most and which remain etched most firmly in my memory but after awhile char and i were just so glad that our tour would be starting soon because it just got too draining. which makes me wonder how i'm ever gonna plan a 2-month backpacking tour of eastern europe...

italy is beautiful; more so than what i've seen of france thus far, i'd have to admit. and in saying this i do feel a twinge of disloyalty but the truth is the truth. yet i do know that i am connected to france in a special way that i have not yet attained with italy. years down the road the images of venice, rome etc will fade but the french language will always remain a part of me and i'll never forget the days i spent living with annelise, being driven around at lightning speed in thierry's car, cycling in the forest with autumn leaves falling around me and going to school in france. i feel comforted knowing all these even though i know i'm merely being childish, that i'd probably never let another country worm its way into my heart because i simply have this strange undying loyalty to france that started oh so long ago.

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|3:12:00 AM|

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

the feeling just sucks
when the person you need most at the moment can't be here for you now

hope my insomnia isn't returning...
wonder if i'll get even a wink of sleep before daybreak

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|2:10:00 AM|

Sunday, May 16, 2004

maybe i have to make some things clear.. despite my saying that manymany people already know about this, i've only actually told a grand total of THREE people about it personally. you can't exactly keep this from someone whom you've known for 8 years and when she's on a 13 day trip with you.. during which this big thing happened. and i only told the other person coz she asked about dave. the last was .. sigh.. dave i guess.

and the manymany people who knew about it were all mutual friends. we didn't go out of our way to tell them... just that they were around all along and had (maybe) seen it coming.. so they just kinda.. knew..

argh.. to everyone else.. i'm sorry if u didn't hear it from me or if you've only heard the news when it's 3 weeks old..
but i don't believe in calling up every single person i know and announcing this sorta thing to them.. i dunno.. it just feels... weird.
believe me.. i would have told u guys in due time

and there were certain.. uhm.. unresolved complications at that time which have still remained largely unresolved.. but what the heck la..

it feels strangely good to have had the entire morning and afternoon to myself. i've been out every single day for ?? weeks and it's starting to get a little tiring.. yup.. an overdosage of love and happiness CAN and DOES eventually start wearing you out a little..

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|2:58:00 PM|

Saturday, May 15, 2004

i'm troubled
i never knew i had a problem with this.. never knew i was this insecure until it surfaced

i'm sorry dear
i know it seems like i'm always questioning, always doubting and worrying about the future
i don't want to be this way either
especially since i used to put my heart and soul into whatever i did and never worried about what could happen

believe me... i want to have faith in you, in myself, in us
and i think part of me does
it's just that... i dunno....
has my previous experience scarred me so? or is it because i see so many relationships failing right before my eyes?
i'm even afraid of myself because i know how easily my emotions change; how flighty i can be
and i don't want to build a happy secure little world around me again and have it all crashing down unexpectedly.
once was painful enough

i so often wish that i could be like you
with your strong faith in yourself, in me, and in us
thanks so much
for being so patient...
for always doing so much to reassure me when i start getting pessimistic about things
you're just like the shining star in my life

yet at times i'm afraid
that one day i'll have to let go..

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|1:24:00 AM|

Friday, May 14, 2004

haven't felt the urge to blog in a really long time (and still don't feel like) but i guess i hafta say something..

since so many people already know about this anyway
i'm just gonna say that
my days are so much brighter now
because a special someone has entered my life

i love you dear...

and here i say a prayer for us...

may every day of our lives be filled with sunshine
and may each day bring loads of wonderful memories for us to carry through the years
may we grow and mature in each other's love
may our love never falter during the darkest times
and may the bad times only serve to bring us closer

and as time passes...

may we always hold each other dear in our hearts
may we always cherish each other and never take each other for granted
and constantly show how much we mean to each other

may we always seek to understand each other better
may we never hide our true feelings
and may communication strengthen the bond between us

may we never deliberately set out to hurt
may we learn to put our trust and faith in each other
and never let each other down

most importantly
may we always treasure each hug, each kiss, each moment as if it were our first and last together
and to never forget
to nuture our friendship as well as our love

- with lots of love... from your stupid darling

=)

*[[ And they lived happily ever after... ]]*
|1:00:00 AM|